Chapter 7
Black and White Movies

I am already agitated with people and I get even more pissed that they try to make me feel guilty for not doing things. “Leave me the hell alone” is all I want to say to them. I don’t care that I didn’t go to church today, let me work that out with God, and the fireside? Same thing. I don’t like ward prayer, it’s ridiculous, it’s stupid, it never even really starts on time and even though I am technically 5 minutes late I know that if I went we would still be just sitting around. I went once 15 minutes late and they were just beginning. What were they doing before I got there?
So I hate when people give me the “I’m so disappointed in you” look or tone of voice and I just want to flip them off. This is my life, I ultimately make my decisions, your opinion was not asked for and it is not well received. I never made any promises to you and I’m not likely to either. Mostly this goes with roommates. One thing about roommates, we were thrown together, not by destiny to become each others life long buddies, but by some chance, a manager put some names together to place them in an apartment together. I can say that this is true of almost all of my roommates; I have only chosen to live with 7 girls in 5 years. I am not talking about reusing roommates; these were people I had never lived with before. It is up to me the value placed on each roommate, some do become friends, and others are merely people occupying the space in the bedroom next to mine, never to become anything more than a roommate I had in college.
So to go along with this I hate when one roommate assumes that she is ranked up there with another. I have certain people I become close to, certain people I confide in, and certain people who I consider to be ranked up there with “best friends”, all the rest are below that rank. I have a feeling sometimes that one of my roommates is jealous of how close I am to another one of my roommates (who is formerly known as my friend who has the pretend husband). I understand where someone could be jealous; we are a cool pair of friends, but don’t try to act as though I am shafting you, as though you should be higher on my friendship scale and I somehow demoted you. I assure you, you have always been that low.
So to leave that subject in the dust, I called home today and got a 5 minute conversation with my dad, no one else, just him and then it was over. I guess I’ll have to tell them about therapy next week, and cutting my hair, and failing school, eating peanut butter crackers for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and all the other things that I always try to tell my family but can never really seem to get it out. The timing is always off I guess.
My friend, yes the one who unknowingly provokes so much jealously in my apartment, said that we need new friends. This only gives me more courage in my attempt to eradicate myself from my pretend boyfriend/husband. It is always nice to know that there is another girl in a similar situation to your own who will more than likely fail at the same goals you have set for yourself. I’m not saying that I don’t think that she can do it, well; I guess I am, but not as though it was a fault on her part. I say it because I have tried this time and time again, as well as she has, and we are both in the same boat that we were before. In fact, the specimen that we have tried to eliminate have actually evolved and adapted, to strengthen themselves against future attacks. And here I was thinking that they weren’t that bright.