Chapter 18
I’m not happy Maurice

I’m having a moment, a very “I’m not happy” moment. So I figured I’d better write so that maybe I could feel better. When I’m like this I feel as though my writing struggles, so hopefully I can make something interesting come out of this or at the least coherent.
I played racquetball today. I love racquetball, I love to swing at the ball as hard as I can, I like to ram into the wall just to make sure I hit the ball, I even love the feeling of total exhaustion that takes over after only about 15 minutes of playing racquetball by myself, but I go on to play for an hour. It’s funny because I am there for an hour, not talking to anyone and today I thought to myself, “what do I think while I’m playing?” My mind can’t possibly go blank and something is driving me to be so violent in this sport. So today I attempted to pay attention to what I was thinking. To tell the truth, not much goes on in there for that hour. It’s amazing because my mind is always thinking, always running, it’s exhausting really. However, even though I’m not thinking, I’m still angry. Even though I feel I could fall over and never get back up, I don’t want to leave that little court. It’s better than the other options I have on a Friday afternoon.
I wish that I weren’t so fickle. Fickle…is that the word I’m really looking for? Something is wrong with me, something is wrong with the way I see and treat people. I notice this, so that automatically means that there is hope. The thing that aggravates me the most about myself is that I can go from being okay with someone, having a good time, laughing, enjoying their company, and then suddenly I want to get rid of them. I turn cold, I’m not very friendly and I’m not really listening anymore. I don’t know if I read too much in to their words, or their silence, or if I have some sort of anti-social behavior. Sometimes I just want to get in my car and leave, not bothering with pointless goodbyes, because really that just upsets both people involved. This is nothing new of course. When I moved away from home 5 years ago I debated whether or not to say goodbye, and there were people I didn’t say goodbye to, and that didn’t bother me. Still doesn’t. Five years later I haven’t really kept in touch with people, in fact there are some people who will see me around town when I am home and they remember me, and I think they look familiar but I can’t even remember if we were friends. There are so many different types of relationships that one person can have that there simply is not enough brain capacity to remember the dynamics of every single relationship. So maybe part of what I am feeling is the inevitable deterioration of relationships. Why remain attached? What is the point? It sounds cold, I realize this, but it’s not meant to. It’s simply an exploration of why people bother. What makes one person more memorable than the other? I have one friend who was here last semester and they aren’t this semester. I remember that she is my friend, but I don’t really think about her. And sometimes when I visit her old roommates I forget what it is like to have her living there. I even forget that these girls even knew who she was. I can’t remember what it is like to hang out with her. That was only four months ago, but it’s been this way all semester, just progressing a little bit. What’s it going to be like four months from now? Am I really going to remember these people? Why do I feel so hostile towards all of them tonight? It will pass, it always does. But why does it have to come up in the first place? Why do I have to feel this way about people?