Chapter 37
Wow That Was Wildly Inappropriate

Enough with the really weird dreams!! Is this supposed to be a part of transitioning your life? Worlds continue to collide within your dreams? So last night’s dream included me being a student again, my old roommate being one of my teachers, my new roommates being just plain weird, a dead grandpa (not mine), and me saying the most inappropriate jokes, well, statements, but I meant them as jokes but no one got them. I would get looks or people would just walk away.
So the grandpa thing, he was supposedly my new roommate’s grandpa and he was hanging out on the couch just fine, breathing and all, then two of my roommates got into an argument and the one said, “I don’t need this right now my grandpa just died.” And he had! Literally, just then he had died, not a second into the afterlife when she said that. We all looked over shocked because last time we looked he was fine. But sure enough, he was dead, well, I don’t know how we knew, no one checked for a pulse but we could just tell. Then I was sitting on the steps with an old roommate who was now my teacher and I said something totally off color about her being my teacher which I won’t repeat because it didn’t get good reviews in the dream…she just looked at me as though she were saying “we’ll pretend you never said that”. Then someone came over and at first it looked like they were holding a sign up to the door (made out of a paper bag) and I leaned in to try to read the words and I realized that it was her face, her eyes, nose, mouth, all looked like they had been words. I was embarrassed to say the least and hoped no one noticed that I thought this girl’s face looked like a sign. She came in and was ready to party, but my new roommate told her to have a little respect, her grandfather had just died. Again we all looked over at him and some kid I don’t know was “grooming” him like a monkey. I looked over at the girl who had just come in and told her that he really did just die, we didn’t just have his body there, and he was living when he came into the apartment.
Then I woke up. Weird. I actually slept in until 9 today! Pretty exciting! Well, I woke up at 7 no problem, but when I realized that I have absolutely nothing to do I went back to sleep. Then I woke up at 9 all panicked like I was late for something. Late for what? Life sucks, no rush there.
I don’t think that I am transitioning well. But then again I have to remember that I’ve only been here a week. I just really don’t like it here. Finding a job is next to impossible, well, I should say that finding a job that actually makes going to college seem worth it is impossible. I already have the job at the grocery store but I had that when I was 16 without any skill or education required, I just had to be able to speak English, and even then that was only if I wanted to be promoted above the rank of a bagger. I have worked a whopping three and half hours so far in a week. Tomorrow I actually get some hours in…six and half. At this rate I will never be able to make rent and live away from my parent’s home. Hopefully I am getting paid for the babysitting I have done this week. Everyday I have gone to pick up my cousins from the bus stop and then bring them home and do stuff with them. It’s not too bad, but the afternoons go by slow. I keep thinking and hoping that it is later than it is and I look at the clock to see it’s only been an hour. The two cousins are Spam and Burrito. You may think it’s odd that they are both named after food. But Spam is more of a double meaning. Yes, there is the Spam in can but there is also Spam Mail; constantly attacking your e-mail inbox with useless and unwanted information. You try to set up Spam blockers to keep the unwanted e-mails from getting through, but some still slip in. There used to be commercial for I think it was AOL and it had people representing Spam, talking loudly and quickly as they followed people around, then they would run into an invisible wall to represent the Spam blocker. You think I am over exaggerating by comparing cousin Spam to e-mail Spam…but I assure you, I am not, she’s a talker, you try to tell her ‘not right now’ or you tell her to do something and her mouth opens up and a constant stream of annoying nothings spills out. While the stream is pouring you tell her that right now you don’t care, you asked her to do something and she’ll continue to tell you whatever she started to do. Sometimes I wonder if she is deaf or if it is really that hard for her to understand what you are saying. She does not know that I call her Spam for this other reason, well; I don’t call her Spam because of the canned meat either. She responds, so I keep using it. As for Burrito? Well, that’s just a joke with my family, we call him other names too since Burrito usually makes him mad. But I like Burrito, the person and the name, so I will use that one.
Today Spam, who is seven, is having a friend over. Oh how exciting for me…not really. Spam seems to think she is invincible when she has friends over. She already had a friend over the other day to spend the night and she struts her stuff and has her attitude like I won’t embarrass her in front of her friend. Hopefully she learned from that experience that I don’t care if I embarrass her, she can’t give me attitude. She likes to pull the, “You’re not my mother” card. I tell her that I am well aware that I am not her mother, but I am her babysitter, and in charge.
I also told her that she is not allowed to use the word “fair” or “like” she over and incorrectly uses those words way too often. “Fair” was the first word to go. She keeps saying “that’s not fair”, “that’s not fair”, and I told her that for the next two months she has to think of a different word to explain her situation. She said it wasn’t fair. But yesterday she stopped herself from saying it, and it was a proud moment for me. As for the word ‘like’ she uses it like, I don’t know, like, every time she like talks. She sounds as though she is a mall rat, or a valley girl. She tells me she can’t help who she is, which I think is the dumbest excuse anyone could use. She says it’s a habit and I tell her it’s a bad habit, and all types of habits can be broken. I went on explaining to her that I was just trying to help her for when she is older. She will sound much more intelligent if she can manage to get through a sentence or two without using the word ‘like’. In the meantime her little brother, Burrito (5), is staring at me, but I feel as though nothing is going on inside of his head. You know the blank expression people can sometimes give you? He usually has that expression on his face. But since he maintains eye contact I feel the need to continue to look over at him while I talk to his sister as though he is part of the conversation. I mention this to Spam and how I don’t think Burrito is even listening, and noticing that I am talking about him, but I feel the need to continue eye contact. Burrito then surprises me by piping up, “Do you know that when you make eye contact with animals they think you want to hurt them?” I lost it and started to laugh and it took me a while to be able to respond to him. He doesn’t seem to understand why it is so funny, and maybe it was just funny to me, but finally I ask if he thinks I want to hurt him because I continued to make eye contact. It wasn’t until later though that I thought that maybe the better question would have been, “so since you were making such unbreakable eye contact with me what is that suppose to mean?” does he want to hurt me? Who knows? The kid is pretty funny though. Did I mention that Burrito is deathly afraid of being alone outside? He looks around with this look on his face like something is going to jump out of the ground and attack him. I watched him the other day, I was swinging on the swing set and he was on the patio, holding his hands in front of him and looking panicked and then a bird flew over his head and he about lost it. Then he wanted to come swing, but he wouldn’t swing next to me because of bees or spiders or ‘strwanger’ (sic) bugs (earwigs). Then he wouldn’t take my seat because what was the guarantee that I would stay close by? So he didn’t swing. Then I was climbing up one side of the jungle gym and I swear he was attached to my ankles. He almost made me fall once. Enough with that though. Sweet Pea called last night! I was so excited I couldn’t stop laughing! Literally. I was trying to tell her a funny story of when my sister and I went to a movie the other night and I couldn’t get the end of the story out! It wasn’t that funny, honestly, but I couldn’t get it out. I think most of it had to do with my mom being in the next room and the statement having to deal with my sister being a prostitute (she’s not one by the way). So I would try to say it quietly enough so that my mom couldn’t hear, but I couldn’t stop laughing to say it quietly enough, and then I couldn’t say it loudly because my mom. I finally closed the door and got it out but by then my laughing had made it seem like it was going to be the best line in the world, and honestly, by the time I got it out, I had forgotten exactly what the statement was, and had to give her a “it’s something like…” statement. I hate those statements. I think how it went was that we were coming out of the movie theater and since all the workers of the theater were over by the snack bar I joked that they were watching us as we left and then I said, “look but don’t look,” like it was a desperate situation and we were laughing about it as we left and my sister was kidding and saying how people who were around us acted like they knew her (and this is while we are walking outside) and I said, “Like this is your corner or something.” She laughed (my sister) thank goodness, because that is a joke that I could use on Sweet Pea but I am in uncharted territory with my sister. Now I know I am okay, I just don’t know the limits yet. Maybe one day I’ll say something to her that she will say is wildly inappropriate or she will just walk away. We’ll see.