Chapter 29
Detoxifying the System

It’s a shame that for the chapter that possesses my favorite number I have something horrible to say. It would seem appropriate for chapter 29 to be about a boy, since 29 being my favorite number came about because of a boy. See there was this boy that I was in love with in high school, of course, when I say ‘love’ here I am not talking true, genuine love, nor am I even talking about puppy love. This kind of love presents itself as one-sided, unrequited, stalker-ish kind of love. But we were friends so I always felt like I had a chance (hmm…sounds familiar…oh wait, it’s the story of my life). He joined the football team at his high school (our high schools were rivals) and he played for them for two years. The entire season of my senior year I attended every game, mostly because he made me feel bad about not going to many of the games the year before. Since we were friends he actually liked the fact that I came to every game, in fact every Saturday at work he would ask me if I came the night before and if I had, did I see the three minutes that he actually played. Ok so he was a wrestler, not a football player, can’t disrespect the guy for trying. His jersey number as you can guess was 29. Anyway, things didn’t work out, turns out people don’t date their stalkers and he is married now, living somewhere in Tennessee or North Carolina, or somewhere not home. This was not the purpose of the chapter, and I can actually tell you how I digressed this time! Impressive, but the most important part is that I get back on the topic. Hey, at least this chapter now mentions a boy.
So the Antagonizer wants some CDs. About a week ago she put in a request to get a copy of the Chronicles of Narnia soundtrack and for a copy of the “Detox Program”, a CD that I made specifically for Sweet Pea and she and I are the only ones with copies of it. The audacity of it all! So I made a split second executive decision and hoped that she would forget about them and never ask for something that she shouldn’t ask for again. I should kill her for her ignorance. So today I walk in the door and she like a nagging wife that I am having an affair on asks me where I have been. I tell her where, with complete honesty too, I have nothing to hide like I usually do. I mention that Sweet Pea and I went to a friend’s apartment to get our CDs that she was copying but she wasn’t finished with mine yet. So then the Antagonizer says, “So how are my CDs coming along?” and my initial repressed thought was, “getting ready to slice across your throat and spill your blood” but instead I said, “Oh I’m working on them…what CDs?” which got a laugh out of another roommate sitting on the couch and Antagonizer tells me the ones she has requested before. I told her I could get Narnia no problem and then I make another split second executive decision and decide that she will not be getting the “Detox Program” that little whore. No, rather I will make a phony “Detox Program” with some of the same songs, enough to deceive her, but it will not be the same. My pride prohibits me from giving in to her vindictive CD hoarding. She just wants a piece of me and Sweet Pea and I will not give it to her, she is not special!! I don’t understand why this girl can’t let us be friends. It’s not like I knew the Antagonizer before Sweet Pea and choose Sweet Pea over her! In fact Sweet Pea and I had known each other the year before; when we moved into our apartment where we met Antagonizer we only knew each other. Why is she so jealous? And what’s more, why is she so intent on getting her hands on that blessed CD? Her hands are not worthy to touch it. And even though Pretend is one of my best friends…he wouldn’t be able to get his hands on a copy either, so what makes her think she has any right to even ask for that. I’m half tempted to just go up to her and say, “You know what? I can’t make a copy of Detox Program for you, not only because I don’t like you, but because it’s something that is just between me and Sweet Pea (insert real name here) so back off hooker.” Maybe making the pseudo CD is just easier. It’s as I said before, people don’t date their stalkers, and in this situation, they don’t even like them.
WARNING~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~DIGRESSION
I just can’t let it go. If there is one thing that I have noticed while existing in girl world it is that girls bond when they have a common dislike, usually a person. In fact in the fine print of page 17 of the girl handbook, when it is talking about common dislikes that bring girls together it reads, “For best results dislike a person.” Antagonizer must have a magnifying glass and she has read all the fine print in the book, in fact she has memorized the book. It’s her only saving grace because without that handbook I doubt she would have ever gotten along with any girl, even though it is usually only temporary. Because despite popular belief knowing the handbook does not guarantee an easier life in girl world, in fact there is a combination of knowing the basics from the book and actually applying them along with what I am going to call for lack of a better term, feminalizing: defined as common sense while in your existence in girl world (that’s right, my ability to make up words has earned me the name of Mrs. Pseudo Webster, the arch nemesis of Mrs. Webster (AKA The Antagonizer)). She lacks feminalizing which is why we can’t be friends. But because of her knowledge of the handbook she seems to think that since we talk badly about some roommates that we have bonded and therefore she deserves a copy of this CD. If she had the ability of feminalizing then she would also be able to detect that I could be talking badly about her behind her back, which I am, almost everyday. Feminality is an amazing ability, not only could one detect if another girl is talking badly about her behind her back but she will have the dual ability of being able to tell who is safe, who doesn’t talk behind her back. This is not something that can be learned, but rather it is a gift, it comes encoded on the chromosomes. This is no lie.





This chapter is not affiliated with Girl Handbook. The views and opinions expressed in this chapter are exactly that, views and opinions. Forget everything you read about a girl handbook, it contains information not yet legal within the borders of the United States of America and so therefore does not exists as far as the U.S. government is concerned. It is best when you have a common dislike between you and another girl to make that dislike a person, preferably someone close to the both of you so that you can more enjoy talking about them behind their back.