Chapter 13

Sometimes It’s Good to be Home Where Your Bat Is

Even though I have graduated from counseling it has not stopped the growing monster within me. Don’t get me wrong, I feel nothing like I did when I felt I needed to go to counseling and in all actuality nothing like I did before. It’s an all new me. It’s a weird feeling, going through a transition like this. My turrets is developing at a steady pace, but the words are getting meaner, and the more I allow myself to say the small ones aloud the more I allow myself to think the really bad ones to myself. Who knows what I will be like in 5 years. A crazy bag lady that walks around the city scaring the small children, yeah, that’s probably it.

Needless to say, what I am getting at is that I still have bad days. Today was one of them. It wasn’t totally bad, there were pluses, but there are days that I feel less of myself. I think worse of myself and of those closest to me. I guess I can’t figure out why I feel the way that I do, so I misdirect my feelings of hostility towards people and things that are real, that I can see and that I can blame. I have to find a more constructive way to deal with these feelings of animosity. I also have to find something else to do instead of eat my feelings, because if I don’t, not only will I be the crazy bag lady, but I’ll be the jumbo sized one.

I think maybe that I will clean my room. Or do some homework. Those would be considered functional, constructive activities right?

All I know is the closer that it gets to graduation, the more and more excited I get about going home. Of course, I have a false idea of what it is going to be like when I get home, which at least I realize I have. I imagine that I get to teach the teenagers at church again, I think it would be a lot of fun and I think I would be able to do it better this year. But I probably won’t be able to do much with them this summer, which bums me because I’ll actually have more time this summer. And the more excited I get to go home the more I realize that I am leaving here, pretty much for forever. I try not to think about it, because despite my hard exterior, I am a softy on the inside, and I will truly miss some of the people Rexburg has to offer; My pretend boyfriend/husband/brother (which sounds pretty incestuous if you ask me), Sweet Pea, The Oreo (an old roommate who gives me so much to do almost every night of the week), even this kid in my class who does hilarious impersonations of our teacher’s wife. As long as I don’t think about it, I don’t get upset, and I don’t wish for more time here. I’m just a little bit concerned that there may be a few regrets that I take with me from this place, but hopefully, they will soon be forgotten as I get caught up in the whirlpool of another life that I must live through to get to the next stage, whatever it may be.

Here’s to the future.