Chapter 5
Breaking the Rule of Intermission

Okay, so I have no rules, no boundaries in this little writing assignment anymore. Boys were supposed to be strictly intermissions but well, I haven’t written on a Friday night yet so this is the first one. Though it does please me to say that I spent time with a boy on Friday night at the same time it is frustrating. The last intermission was written while waiting for King Indecision, by which name he shall from this time forward be known as. King Indecision finally came over to my house to pick me up and after waiting in a car for a couple of minutes, yes, in a way we were “parking”, we finally went and got dinner, at two separate places since we couldn’t agree on what to eat, shocker. I realized tonight more than ever that he really is just talk; he is a true pretend, though that statement sounds like an oxymoron. I can’t understand why someone absent of intent would act the way that he acts, knowing what he knows. Knowing of course that I like/liked him and acting as though he were reciprocating those feelings. I was okay with just being his friend; I truly and honestly was and for a long time felt like my feelings had diminished to that capacity (here’s where the honesty is coming back in to play). Recently I’ve been confused by him, especially with his attempts to climb the rungs of the “Pretend” ladder to the rank of pretend husband. I can’t remember when the relationship morphed into what it is today. I remember a time when there was no physical contact between us whatsoever, we didn’t even hug, and aside from our first meeting we didn’t shake hands. The change was recently. I think. Play wrestling, always joking about making out, he’s even begun to pay for some things which he has never done before, and then there are all the things that have previously been mentioned in the intermissions. He constantly jokes about kissing me, and tonight while we were driving he said, and I quote, “One day I’m just going to do it (kiss you).” I told him he didn’t have the guts. I know him well enough to know that he wouldn’t, at least he shouldn’t. He’s told me before that he won’t kiss a girl unless he means it, and if he were to kiss me, then he should remember what he told me so he should conclude that I would think he meant it. He really can’t win with me. I feel sorry for him. For the reason that if he ever did kiss me I think I would be disappointed in him, because I would know he didn’t mean it, and I would have one more reason to not trust guys.
I have been thinking though, maybe I need to cut the strings. It’s going to happen in a couple of months anyway, why not just do it now? Seems harsh to say that, I know, but when I’m not with him I’m not happy and when I am with him, I get out of that mood gradually and then he’s gone again and the unhappiness comes back worse. I can’t be dependent on a person like that. It hurts the worst when he disappoints me and I don’t know why that is but I can’t, I just can’t do it. I’ll wait until after my “Session” and see how I do when King Indecision is out of town next week.