Chapter 2
Emotionally Unstable

So I’ve hinted already that there is something wrong with me, maybe on a chemical level, who knows. I was informed at the beginning of this week that if I missed three more times in my 9 o’clock class I would get an automatic “F” despite everything else. I read that e-mail on Monday this week, and I missed class that morning. So I was down to 2 more absences. Today I didn’t wake up on time. I’m going to fail and not graduate in April and I don’t even seem to care really. I do care though, I don’t want to stay here but I can not get myself up in the morning. I had an assignment due today, and one due in my 8 o’clock class on Monday. When I have assignments due I usually get up to take them in, but now that’s not even motivating me. I need to go to counseling. I have been thinking about going to counseling since maybe the end of January, we are now at March 15th. I guess there are a few reasons that I haven’t gone already. One is as simple as that when the day and time comes that I have told myself to go make an appointment I have felt fine, and every stupid time I feel that maybe it’s over, maybe I’m better. And then it will hit again, that night or the next day, I’m back to the way I was. I was going to go make an appointment last Friday and I was feeling just fine by the time I was getting ready to leave campus (which is when I was going to stop by the counseling center) so I just went home. Friday night I cut my own hair off. Not just a trim either, it used to be a little below my shoulders and now it’s up at my chin.
Another reason that I fail to make an appointment is because I feel like I should be able to fix this on my own, I’m not going to lie, as honesty is the point of this entire thing, but I have been having these problems since the first week of this semester, I just thought I was having difficultly getting back in the swing of things. But I haven’t been to a full week of classes at all this semester, and now it looks as though I am going to fail the one. It’s not that I hate the class, though I feel like I do, the teacher is fine, but I can’t motivate myself to go, I always forget to do the readings which increases my feelings of stupidity. I have tried so many things to “fix” myself. I even had my roommate waking me up in the morning, but on Monday, Wednesday, Fridays when it counts the most even she can’t get me up. I’m a religious person, or so I would like to believe that I am, I hope that I am, and I have turned to prayer as a resource. I pray desperately sometimes that I will be able to get up in the mornings. That I will feel motivated to go to class. Last night I prayed for all of these things and I told God that I didn’t want to go to counseling but if he felt I needed to go he was probably going to have to drag me there because I wasn’t going to take myself. I slept in until almost exactly 10 o’clock, which is right as my class that I am failing ends. Is it a shove in the right direction? I don’t know. But I think I am determined today to actually go make an appointment and start talking to someone about how stupid and insane I am.
I have given up half of my media fast, I don’t know why I thought that giving all that up would help me to not feel this way. That’s right, giving up all that media crap wasn’t self-righteousness, it was selfishness. I was hoping that when I felt the impression to do that then somehow by doing so I was going to be magically healed. Guess I am a dreamer. I still am not going to watch T.V. in fact I have come to hate it and how it sucks people in to a constant stream of nothingness. People vegetate there for hours, doing nothing; their bodies are probably decomposing as they sit there. I don’t want to be that way; I could easily be that way with how I have been feeling. But I need my music, there is something comforting in my music and Chopin and Beethoven are not cutting it for me. I also write better (not here, for school) when I have my music and I have a paper to write for one of my classes today. So it’s for educational purposes, and I suppose sanity purposes as well.
I’m nervous about counseling, I doubt I will be able to see them today, but I am still nervous. Talking to someone I don’t even know about my problems? Weird. I also feel that maybe there should be something more obviously wrong with me. Maybe if I were a cutter I’d have a real reason to go, or if I thought about death just a little bit more.
Another thing, actually I may have already mentioned it, is that I feel happy sometimes. Certain friends put me in a good mood and I’m okay, if only my life could always be filled with moments like that. In the words of Linkin Park, “I want to runaway, never say goodbye, I want to know the truth, instead of wondering why. I want to know the answers; no more lies, I want to shut the door and open up my eyes.”
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Before I went to the counseling center a million thoughts were going through my head, I knew I needed to go; it’s that or go down in flames of failure. I just feel that it is like going to the dentist or doctor, you know you should go, but you’re still scared to; scared to find out if something really is wrong. When you go to the dentist with a toothache, you hope upon hope that nothing is really wrong, that maybe it’s sinuses that is the true felon of your discomfort. I don’t pretend that my sinuses are making me feel the way that I am, but whatever it is needs to change and it needs to change quickly, because honestly, I don’t have time for this, but I also don’t want to find out something is wrong and subconsciously use it as an excuse to blow off responsibility. So I went to the counseling center and I am on a waiting list and it makes me wonder, is it that bad at this campus that there is a waiting list? What about when they call me? What if I am having a good day and I tell them that I don’t need to go anymore? That’s what someone did when I was in there. They told the girl that they didn’t think that they needed counseling anymore. What if I do that and then a day later I feel like crap? I figure since I actually got to the building I’ve already improved the chance that I will actually go when the time comes that I can go. But it also makes me feel as though maybe I’m over reacting, if there are so many people waiting there is bound to be a couple of people that have bigger problems than I do, so why am I wasting people’s time? Probably because I feel that if I don’t I may destroy my life because I won’t be getting down to whatever it is that is eating away at me. Another disturbing thing about going to the counseling center was the fact that I was consoling myself that they are “counselors” and the receptionist kept calling them “therapists” I know that they are the same thing, but the terms just effect me differently.