Chapter 25
Spooning and Fat Lips

So last night we had a movie in the park, it’s pretty fun, there is a park with some outlets so we take the TV and DVD player and some blankets and snacks and watch a movie. Last night was the classic “Ghostbusters”. So we were a small crowd consisting of Oreo, Sweet Pea, Pretend Boyfriend/husband/brother, the Antagonizer, and me. We were all spread out on some blankets and we were desperately trying to get warm with the other blankets. So I am lying next to Oreo and Pretend Boyfriend/husband/brother is sitting next to her. Then he keeps complaining about being cold and asks if he can lay in the middle, and once he has rolled over and landed on my head he lays in between us and then commands that the both of us spoon with him to keep him warm. Two problems, one I have never spooned, two, last time I checked I was like a sister to him, and I would not spoon with my brother, so he’s a little incestuous. And three, yes, I lied there are three things, not just two, my roommates are there with us…do you know what kind of crap I’m going to get for spooning with him? They all say that we are dating anyway, and one roommate thinks that I make out with him but don’t tell anyone. So the rest of the night consisted of him telling me to move closer, complaints that his butt and thighs were cold, and at one point my roommates just yelling at me to spoon with the guy!
Oh and my tire blew when I was driving to the park, so after the movie we found that my tire was completely flat and he kept telling me I couldn’t drive home on it. I was taking my car home (not only because it had a giant TV in the back but because my car is my baby and no guy has ever treated me so well). So after another statement from him about how I will ruin my car if I try to drive it home I proclaim that I am going to change my tire and take my baby home! So I get on the ground and get ready to jack up my car, but then he steps in and does it! The Antagonizer, Oreo, and I were all shocked and amazed! We didn’t know he knew how to change a tire! I took pictures of the incredible moment.
So while I was forced to spoon with my Pretend Boyfriend/husband/brother Sweet Pea received a fat lip hickey from hers (minus the brother part of that). We devised a plan to hide the fact that she received a fat lip from such a sinful action, by saying that I elbowed her in the face while play wrestling.
Meanwhile, I’m hot and cold with the Antagonizer, I don’t mean to be, but sometimes she says things that make me want to lunge across the room at her and slit her throat. Who knew you could get into an argument about the word asterisk? And yes, that was the argument from today. I don’t know why she has to have such a stick up her ass about everything. Why does she have to be Mrs. Webster’s Dictionary? Not to sound mean, because it’s not meant mean it’s meant as an observation, but I think that the reason she doesn’t date is her attitude. She’s really rude to people. The other day we were at Wal-mart and this employee was totally hitting on her and he made a joke and instead of really laughing she pretty much told him he was wrong, which is how she treats me all the time. The girl has no sense of humor, I think she has learned enough to get by in general conversation, but she can’t pick up on sarcasms and flirtation. Too bad, the guy from Wal-Mart was pretty cute and she just shot him down without realizing it.
Today I went to the Sand Dunes with my pretend husband (he’s moved up to just husband since he changed my tire for me) along with Oreo and the Antagonizer. We went there to go “egg rolling” which I’m sure would have been a whole lot more fun if the wind wasn’t blowing at hurricane speeds. My flesh seemed to be ripping off of me. But we tried to roll some eggs and then we just threw them at each other. Mostly we threw them at my pretend husband, but sometimes he got us back. We’ve established that Oreo and the Antagonizer are my posse (though I would throw in Sweet Pea and pull out the Antagonizer but for the time being that’s what it was) while driving to the sand dunes and then when we were there my pretend husband tried to wrestle me but my posse backed me up by standing behind me with hard boiled eggs ready to throw should he come to close. But then they set the eggs down for some reason and I went back to get something and I was very close to four eggs sitting in the sand when I hear wind muffled cries of, “watch out!” and “grab the eggs!” Which the last statement I never really expected to hear in my life. I turn around and it’s too late, my pretend husband is charging like a baby ram right at me. So I brace myself as best as I can in the sand and he runs into me. I tried to push him to the ground, but who am I kidding, despite the fact that I am built like an Amazon woman and he like a princess I can’t win that kind of battle and I found myself lying on my back in the sand as he tried to gather the rest of the eggs to protect himself. So we chase him as best as we can with one egg, half open and stinky but finally give up and make a run for the car. I was able to build a sandcastle with all the sand that was collected in my jacket, shoes, hair, and even in the grains of my jeans.
We went back to my apartment and Oreo and I tried to put my pretend husband to sleep and when we thought he was out Oreo tried to apply make up to his face. But then he proved what I thought, that he was pretending to sleep and he yelled as he jumped up and scared poor little Oreo senseless. She’s been jumpy lately. Then I offered that I had pancake mix if they were hungry so while Oreo went to her apartment to grab her soy milk (gross) Pretend and I started to make pancakes…needless to say we both proved that we are not very domesticated (by the way last night when we bought the eggs I asked him if he was going to boil them and he tried to get me to but I admitted that I have never boiled an egg (honest truth too) and he told me I wasn’t domesticated). Finally Oreo came and made some good pancakes. It was neat though, we were trying to make dinner or something resembling dinner and for a moment I felt domesticated.
Then we were playing a card game and Pretend wanted to move to the table and so I made him clear it and wipe it down…which he did! I didn’t think I could boss him around like that, thus another reason he just gets to be pretend husband. Then somehow I got stuck giving both Oreo and Pretend massages at the same time. I did okay until I tried to think and then I got confused and messed up, finally they let me just do one massage at a time. Then we popped on a movie and we were a little chain gang of massages. I was massaging pretend’s back and then pretend was massaging Oreo’s hand and then Oreo and I changed. I got a finger hickey though, I mean, I guess not really since there was no kissing but stupid Pretend did something during that hand massage and now I have a bruise on my ring finger. Did you know the word hickey is not in the dictionary?