Chapter 22
Moving On

Is it bad to feel really, genuinely happy for someone but at the same time be completely jealous of them? Sweet Pea made out with her pretend husband. They finally kissed, which means that things can’t really remain pretend anymore. It also means that he has precedence over me, which, I’ll admit I’d do the same thing if I had a make-out buddy (hopefully something more, but making out is better than nothing). I just don’t know how I feel about it. I don’t know why it upsets me so much, I usually don’t care about all of this kind of stuff, but I think the reason is because I’m jealous. Me? Jealous? I know, you wouldn’t think so, I don’t seem the type, but I’ve always been this way. I think especially when I have known my pretend husband/boyfriend/brother longer, two years longer. I guess what I just need to admit is that I miss him. He’s out of town right now and I really miss him and when I think about having to leave this place I get a little upset. It’s not just him; it is Sweet Pea as well. I rarely let myself think about leaving but when I do I get all misty eyed and stupid.
Okay so I just called home because I have been trying to get in touch with my parents all day long. I’ve decided I am overly sensitive lately. So my mom said something and I started to cry but I tried to control it before I needed to talk and I did pretty good for a bit but then my mom asked how I was doing, and it’s hard when you’re on edge to answer any questions like “how ya doing?” or “what’s wrong?” that just pushes you that extra inch to insanity. So I was quiet for a bit too long because I knew if I tried to say anything I couldn’t hide that I was crying and it didn’t matter because the long silence tipped her off so she said, “not so good?” So much for not being an emotional idiot in front of my mom. She asked me what was wrong and I told her I didn’t know and she asked if I was homesick and I told her I didn’t think that was it (because who wants to tell their mom that they don’t really want to come home?) and so then she told me I was homesick. But I’m not homesick if anything I’m home-petrified. I’m scared to death to go home because it’s so final. Once I’m there I’m there for who knows how long. Who knows what I am going to do beyond that point. I don’t want to leave, I want to stay here and that was never an option for me to choose from. When am I going to grow up and realize that I as an adult I can do whatever the hell I want? So why I am leaving here and going home? Because life has always and will always be about leaving your comfort zone. Doing that is what got me out here, and now by doing it I will be lead home. And I guess I will stay there until I get comfortable again, and then it will be time to move on.
Meanwhile I haven’t been sleeping well at night, I can’t really blame myself. The other night I had a dream that my sister got married and then she had a teenage daughter (yet I was still as young as ever, looking fabulous, okay maybe I didn’t look fabulous but whatever, you weren’t there). Anyway, my sister’s husband tried to kill their daughter! He had a piece of wire and tried to strangle her! So I pulled out something a kin to a machine gun and blasted him! But then my sister came in and I didn’t stop, I blasted her too, and some girl who may have been a relative but who knows. Then the police came and they were asking all these questions and I was so scared that I was going to burn in hell for killing those people! I mean the dad, yeah, he was going to kill my niece so I was ok with that one, but what did my sister ever do? I kept thinking the police could let me off, and I could move far away but what difference would it make? When I died I would pay for it! Then the creepy part, my brother-in-law and my sister and that stranger girl were all walking around!! They were paler than everyone else in the room and they were covered in blood but they were walking around. My initial thought was that they were going to tell everyone what happened and then I just wondered what in the heck they were doing walking around. My sister asked me why I shot her and I told her I was jealous of her. That’s it?! I risked my eternal soul because of jealously? Sad day.
Sweet Pea had a dream too, but in hers I got a nice red dress and she got an engagement ring from her pretend husband. Sometimes life doesn’t seem fair when Sweet Pea gets to have dreams about getting engaged and I am stuck with the duds about killing my sister and her husband.