Chapter 38
The Pink Bible

I’m getting nervous about moving into my new home. My new roommates keep contacting me and today the one that I don’t really even know did. It made me uneasy and I’m not sure why. Maybe because I wasn’t sure how to respond to this girl, we are going to be roommates but it doesn’t mean that we are already best friends. I finally responded trying to act nonchalant about things, which is better than the alternative of being business like with her which would be the only other option since I don’t really know her. But it makes me nervous because this will be full fledged girl world; the kind of world where you are called, “girlie” by others, not as an adjective but as a name. No more comments about death and dying or Ted Bundy? Here’s hoping it isn’t the end, that’s the only salvageable kind of conversation! We’ll probably end up having all the same friends and doing everything together, like B.F.F.s do. Sound exciting? Not to me.
But as with everything else in my life in these past three weeks it won’t be as bad as I imagine it. Coming home wasn’t so bad, working in the nursery every Sunday won’t be so bad, and working at the grocery store is actually kind of fun (exhausting but fun). Of course work will be better when I get a paycheck, and even better when I get a real job (you know, something more grown up). I just get nervous because I don’t really get along with girls. The girls that I have been closest to in the last 5 years have mostly been girls who are more like boys, and I don’t mean that they weren’t feminine and such, but they were more down to earth. They were more fun to hang out with and to have conversations with (about Ted Bundy and death…etc.). I’m just wondering if I am in for a world full of friendly faces and bloody backs (…back stabbing, wasn’t sure if I needed to explain that). But I am hoping that these girls are mature, I mean most all of them are college graduates so what’s not to say that they are sincerely nice? Probably genetics. And for the first time in my life I am pretty sure that they will like me (I usually worry that people won’t like me) and I am nervous that I won’t like them (I usually assume that I will). Maybe it’s because I have always been worried that people won’t like me and they always tend to and I end up not really liking them. Subconsciously my brain is trying to convey to me the truth of situations in my life and is trying to help me relax about myself, and yet anxiety seems to be something that can’t just disappear, instead it seems to “refocus” itself, transferring from one area of concern to the next. Damn that anxiety.