Chapter 83

Assimilation



The best and surefire way to get rid of your enemy is to make them one of you. Some people call this a “friend” but it’s not always friend, it’s just one of your collection of people. You get them to join your side, and this may sound like it would be tricky or hard, but in all actuality it isn’t that hard. You start off friendly, you joke around with them and kid with them so they feel comfortable. Then you talk them into thinking that they want something that only your collection of people has. They believe it, and once they get it you joke a little more about how they’ll have to assimilate now that they have this. “You’ll have to be a good example now because of what you have.” “You’ll have to get used to this even though we all know you hate it because now it’s part of who you are.” Or my favorite, “a lot of things are going to be changing now.” Bastards. Sly little twerps.

I know what they are up to, and I’ll play along for now because I really did want the training position at work, that was all me. Well, it was more for the black polo which I am waiting on right now…I really want that shirt, and I get a name tag, and a badge, and some notebooks. It’s really exciting actually, and since I love notebooks I about peed my pants when I found out.

I went to the first training meeting yesterday. I was going to just observe but one of the trainers got me a little more involved. Not so bad, but maybe next time I won’t be so timid about it. There were two classes and I decided to stay for the second one, I didn’t have to, but I thought it would be interesting. I lost two pounds yesterday. There was one kid in the second class who was actually called an over-achiever within the first five minutes by the trainer teaching the class. I call him Dwight. If you have ever seen the television show “The Office” then you know very well who Dwight is. He is an over-achiever, he’s constantly trying to be the manager’s assistant, he knows all the rules and holds everyone to them. On television this is very funny, but in real life? Funny to me because I just have a short amount of time that I had to spend with him but I would probably cry myself to sleep if I have to work with him on a daily basis. He even looked like the character from the show! After class they have to take a little test and I got to feel like a teacher as I collected test and when I got his he asked if the trainer needed any help cleaning up the room. I told him that was okay because he had me to do all of that. We joked quickly because he said he was just trying to maintain the appearance of being nice, and I joked that he was trying to “be helpful” which is printed on the sleeve of all the blue polo shirts. By the way “be helpful” is one of our team values, and there are four of them and personally I think they should have all the values on the shirts, but just one on each shirt…make it a “collect all four” thing. Maybe you could buy a shirt and get a sandwich free (Like a reverse happy meal concept since the shirt is more expensive then the sandwich). All in all the classes went well. I really like it, I mean; I think I’ll like it more once I’m into it and doing all the fun paper work (amazingly that last statement was sarcasm free). I’m a geek, I like paper work; I’m a work-a-holic therefore I like the long hours; as we have already established I like folders; and the guy that I am working with for the next couple of weeks has really dark, I dare say black hair, he is a little bit taller then me with incredible eyes and a fantastic smile, oh and did I mention that his sense of humor is great!? I mean today while he was training he told the cashiers how we don’t endorse letting children ride under the carts because that’s liability and then he says, heaven forbid you have the child on the bottom of the cart you are taking the order out and as you step into the parking lot you get hit by a Mac truck. To which I said, “Yeah, because those darn Mac trucks will sneak right up on you.” Then later when we were actually training on register he hands the “cashier” a pharmacy ring and as he is saying, “And I recently came down with a deadly, contagious, airborne virus,” seriously this guy just keeps getting better and better. So really with the guy (oh who is older then me too), the paperwork, the hours, and the folders, and yeah, the badge too, I’m just as happy as can be right now.