Chapter 80
Deep Sundays

So, I got the position at work. The other day I was on register and The Motivator sent over someone to let me off and he asked me if I needed to make a phone call. I thought that was a weird question to ask someone out of the blue. He told me that The Motivator told him that I needed to make a call so I told him if she said that I did, then I did. I went over to her, thinking that she had actually lied to this kid just so I wouldn’t have to be on register, but as it turned out I really had an important phone call to make. The lady who had interviewed me had been talking to my head manager and he had told the Motivator that I should call the woman as soon as possible. She offered me the position and the funny, immature thing was that I assumed that since she offered it, I automatically took it, but when I asked her when I start she asked me if that was a ‘yes’. In the real world you are given job offers and you have the opportunity to turn them down. Weird I know, but that’s the way it works out here!
My head manager came and talked to me about it, he was really excited for me and he told me that the interviewer told him that I did a great job in my interview and that they really wanted me. I had assumed that since they didn’t call in the week that they said they would call that someone’s interview must have just gone better than mine. So it was nice to hear that I wasn’t a second choice, but that they really wanted me. Makes you want the job more that’s for sure.
So a couple of people at work know about it, not many though. I don’t know, I guess I’m just one of those people who just doesn’t feel the need to tell everyone what is going on in my life. My roommates know, and if anyone beyond the motivator and my head manager know it’s because those two told them. I didn’t tell Gus-Gus, but he knows because my head manager was talking to me about it, sometimes I think he is more excited about this then I am. I haven’t told my parents, I don’t think that they would be genuinely excited for me, I mean, to see it from their perspective, they paid for four and half years of college for me and I am just going to be a trainer at my high school job. Whoop-de-do. So why tell them right? They can just continue to think that I am a cashier. The good part about getting this though, is that it has made me want to go to grad school even more. I had a manager last summer who was in nursing school, as soon as he graduated he got a job in his field. When I’m done with Grad school I can leave and get a job in my field. So I am going back to school in January, it will just be some core classes, just stuff to keep me in the habit, and then hopefully in September begin my Master’s program. Meanwhile, I can continue to work up the ladder if it’s what I choose, each rung just means more money, more to go towards getting my Master’s.
Maybe this is how life was supposed to turn out for me. I wasn’t supposed to be a wife or a mother; those just aren’t roles that I have great potential for. Maybe I am supposed to be the day planner, on the run, working woman. I mean, I feel best when I am always busy, always with something to do. I feel I have accomplished more if my planner is completely covered in things to do each and every day, each week filled with important events. The job I have now could be done by monkeys; at least that’s what The Motivator has told me. I need a job with a lot of little projects, a lot of events, a lot of planning and coordinating. That’s what keeps me happy and motivated. Maybe I just don’t have enough to do and that’s why I have so many days where I feel like I will burst into tears if someone looks at me wrong, in fact, I actually do break out crying. I never thought I would be a girl like that, of course I never though I would be the opposite either. I suppose I never really thought about what I would be.
So many people around me are getting into relationships, getting engaged and getting married and I am still here, the same as I was when I was 18, same job, no boyfriend, and no direction anywhere. I see some of these people who are beginning serious relationships and getting engaged and I think to myself, “Well if that person can do it, then surely I can. I’m not nearly as messed as they are.” Of course shame, shame on me for thinking that. But I can’t help those thoughts running through my mind. I feel like I’ve been looking at life all wrong, I have been thinking that I have to be a certain way to be ready for certain stages in my life, but these girls that I know, they certainly weren’t ready. We have Crazy McGee, who…really is crazy. She’s an emotional rollercoaster, she has no idea who she is and she has a lot of trouble holding on to friends. But here she is, starting a relationship with some guy. Then my old roommate is engaged, I am happy for her. But she was all anti-guy, afraid to love…and here she is, in love, engaged. I’m not sad that I am not, but I just wonder, how can they do it? What are they doing that is so different from me? How are they opening up to people like that? I don’t know, maybe something’s wrong with me…oh wait, there is something wrong with me, I just haven’t figure it all out yet. I don’t even know why I’m talking about it, right now I don’t want to get married, I still have my commitment issues, but sometimes you just have to step back and put things into perspective. And right now, things are kind of dim, but I hope they are going to turn out for the best. I hope that I can work through my problems…once I find them and come face to face with them. I hope that I can move on from the disappointments of life and just remember the things that turned out well. I hope I win the battle with myself about how to react to life and it’s complicated situations. I really hope that one day I learn to control my emotions, to get some self-discipline, and who knows, maybe one day I will believe in myself enough to do something interesting with my life. I have to admit that I have done a lot of interesting things with my life so far, so I need to stop dwelling on the slum I am in and move on with life. I have to regain my mentality that people come and go, no matter what; they begin to forget you and you to forget them. There’s nothing you can do about it, it’s just the way life is. Just enjoy the time you had with them and move on. They were there when you needed them and that’s all that mattered.
Wow, not what I meant to talk about. Well, that’s Sunday’s for you, deep thoughts and endless ramblings.