Chapter 75
The Attempt to Turn Any Metal to Gold

My friend once wrote that he felt like he was in a Radiohead song. I don’t know if he came up with that on his own or if someone else did and he liked it just as much as I did and decided to use it. But here I am, repeating it because I liked the comparison.
My search for a purpose remains. Who knows, maybe I will find my purpose in retrospect, which is actually what I anticipate will happen despite the fact that I hope it doesn’t. Every day though I feel like I am trying to figure out what to do with my life and people say that you will probably never figure it out but I can’t go through life like this. I can’t continue to live in the present. I need something more, something to work towards. I want to do something great but I have no idea what to do, and maybe it’s just that I watch too many movies or read too many books where the characters are given some huge opportunity for greatness, they rise to the challenge and they conquer. The realist in me knows that if these people were real and if that really did happen to them then it’s over. Once that greatness has past what are they still living for? They would have to top what they had just done and how can you top it? Should someone have actually gotten the first opportunity for greatness how in the world would they chance to get a second one?
Back to my search though. In high school I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had a few options I was interested in; becoming a veterinarian, but I didn’t want to deal with all that math and science. I wanted to be a teacher, until I was actually in the program at school and decided it wanted too much from me. I can’t really think of anything else I was looking into in high school. I also knew though that I did not want to be working at the grocery store and where am I? And what am I doing? I have an interview on Wednesday that will decide whether or not I begin to move up the ladder. The ladder, ha, each rung actually taken me further down instead of leading me up to something greater.
I’m reading The Alchemist and it keeps talking about how you have to recognize your dream and then get to it. Too many people just bury their dreams because they are comfortable where they are, or because they are afraid that once they reach their dreams they won’t have anything to work towards. So people become their own worst enemies, setting up traps and stumbling blocks for themselves, or just failing to get up and move. I’m a mixture of both I suppose. I have realized that I am an underachiever and refuse to better my life. Everyone keeps telling me that I have potential, that I can do great things, that I’m smart, etc. etc. etc. But apparently it’s just not sinking in. What am I so afraid of? Or am I just lazy? I could be a mixture of those two as well.
I guess maybe I need to write down some goals, or think some up at least. My friend told me the other day that my main goal for the month was to come up with some goals. Now I suppose I have at least one. And you know what? No matter how “rough” life is for me there is always someone who is more screwed up then me. People who make all the wrong decisions for all the wrong reasons. At least while I wait here in “limbo” I am not screwing anything up by regressing and heading in a different, completely wrong direction. I don’t mind being stagnant for a while because when I finally do start moving again at least I will have a good base and I won’t be coming from further behind where I stopped.