Chapter 76
Cabin Fever

It’s not really cabin fever, but how do you write in short terms a withdrawal from work and how it affects your life? We are on day two of only working one job…I don’t know how I can survive. Sure I have been filling up the daytime, yesterday I took my mom to the eye doctor and I hung out at my parent’s house and got free dinner. Today I went to the pool with my sister and my cousins and this little kid that my sister takes care off and we celebrated Burrito’s birthday a day early (I am also trying to tan my legs so that should I ever wear shorts somewhere beyond the pool I won’t blind people with my leg paleness). But the question is, “what do I do with my evenings”…hmm. That presents a problem. I scrapbooked a few pages today, but in all honestly I am going through a period of time where I am not the least bit interested in scrapbooking. The creative juices are not flowing and my pages, since lacking my caring, frankly look like crap. I watched a movie, I downsized a bit of my room, which will probably only continue when the school job ends and I have even more of my time open to do odd, stupid, meaningless things with my time.
The thing is I’ve felt like this before. Seems like life is cyclical, you have your highs and lows and no matter if you think you are over a low it will return. Someone says the wrong thing, something doesn’t go as planned, you wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Anything really. That’s when I usually do something to my hair, rearrange my room, or bake. Baking’s out, I shouldn’t be eating sugar (I had some today to celebrate the birth of Burrito) and I don’t have enough of anything to really make anything.
Good news is I took vitamins today. I’m hoping that they offset my steady diet of peanut butter (peanut butter crackers, peanut butter sandwiches, etc, etc, etc.) and maybe the cause of all my problems is simply my overdose of peanut butter. Malnourishment leads to depression you know, well, not eating, but I figure not eating is a form of malnourishment so therefore malnourishment and anorexia are pretty much the same…in this case scenario. Also I haven’t been feeling well the past couple of days so I am trying to mix up my diet a bit, you know, not so much peanut butter. I threw in some yogurt and some breakfast bars that provide 20% of my daily fiber needs, oh and more Cheerios because that’s heart healthy. Maybe I can soon put the Ibuprofen tablets away and start feeling better on my own.
Well, I think I’ll go rearrange my room.

Chapter 75
The Attempt to Turn Any Metal to Gold

My friend once wrote that he felt like he was in a Radiohead song. I don’t know if he came up with that on his own or if someone else did and he liked it just as much as I did and decided to use it. But here I am, repeating it because I liked the comparison.
My search for a purpose remains. Who knows, maybe I will find my purpose in retrospect, which is actually what I anticipate will happen despite the fact that I hope it doesn’t. Every day though I feel like I am trying to figure out what to do with my life and people say that you will probably never figure it out but I can’t go through life like this. I can’t continue to live in the present. I need something more, something to work towards. I want to do something great but I have no idea what to do, and maybe it’s just that I watch too many movies or read too many books where the characters are given some huge opportunity for greatness, they rise to the challenge and they conquer. The realist in me knows that if these people were real and if that really did happen to them then it’s over. Once that greatness has past what are they still living for? They would have to top what they had just done and how can you top it? Should someone have actually gotten the first opportunity for greatness how in the world would they chance to get a second one?
Back to my search though. In high school I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had a few options I was interested in; becoming a veterinarian, but I didn’t want to deal with all that math and science. I wanted to be a teacher, until I was actually in the program at school and decided it wanted too much from me. I can’t really think of anything else I was looking into in high school. I also knew though that I did not want to be working at the grocery store and where am I? And what am I doing? I have an interview on Wednesday that will decide whether or not I begin to move up the ladder. The ladder, ha, each rung actually taken me further down instead of leading me up to something greater.
I’m reading The Alchemist and it keeps talking about how you have to recognize your dream and then get to it. Too many people just bury their dreams because they are comfortable where they are, or because they are afraid that once they reach their dreams they won’t have anything to work towards. So people become their own worst enemies, setting up traps and stumbling blocks for themselves, or just failing to get up and move. I’m a mixture of both I suppose. I have realized that I am an underachiever and refuse to better my life. Everyone keeps telling me that I have potential, that I can do great things, that I’m smart, etc. etc. etc. But apparently it’s just not sinking in. What am I so afraid of? Or am I just lazy? I could be a mixture of those two as well.
I guess maybe I need to write down some goals, or think some up at least. My friend told me the other day that my main goal for the month was to come up with some goals. Now I suppose I have at least one. And you know what? No matter how “rough” life is for me there is always someone who is more screwed up then me. People who make all the wrong decisions for all the wrong reasons. At least while I wait here in “limbo” I am not screwing anything up by regressing and heading in a different, completely wrong direction. I don’t mind being stagnant for a while because when I finally do start moving again at least I will have a good base and I won’t be coming from further behind where I stopped.

Chapter 74
Work-a-holic

So yesterday I was wondering to myself what I would do with three days off, since I have Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday off next week. I have filled up Wednesday with a job interview and going to another place with my mom to turn in an application, and Monday I am taking my mom to the doctor’s. But Tuesday, I just don’t know. I hate having that many days off because sometimes I feel like all I have is my job. This past week I worked everyday. Sure I didn’t work at the store on Monday but I worked at the school, what am I going to do with my time when that ends? Today was the day however that I decided that I am a work-a-holic. I thought that I was working 8-5, a daunting shift for me since that is 9 hours. So I slept in, not past eight but I did have to get ready for work in 10 minutes, I show up to work and find out that I wasn’t really suppose to be at work until 8:30, and you know what? It made perfect sense too because that is eight and half hours, you take off the half hour non-paid lunch and there’s you’re typical eight hour shift. So Jaq says, “I’ll tell you what, I’m not going to send you home,” here’s where I interrupted with an, “of course not I’m suppose to be here at 8:30 anyway so I wouldn’t go home.” So he had be dust the foyer, above the doors, along the wall, boring, boring, boring. I got to stretch and take time to wake-up which was nice.
While I was dusting the Firemen came in, now, I used to like the firemen. Fireman, police, E.M.T.s, we like those people because they provide services that we don’t always need but we’re glad they are there if we need them. Besides sometimes they are really cute. So, I guess I should say what happened last Wednesday first so that you know why I used to like the fireman. I had to work café and since this isn’t my favorite place to be I’m a little short in the patience department and if you cross me while I’m on the café register I remember you and may even talk smack about you behind your back. So the firemen came through my line that day and I took care of one order and then redneck Joe is next, he’s got these nasty sideburns and gives off vibe “creepy” and he is buying some peaches. I ask if they are Ukrop’s peaches and he says, “Are we in Ukrop’s?” and I say, “yeah” and he says, “Then yes.” But it doesn’t end there, he then says, “It just seemed like a stupid question to me.” I rang up his damn peaches and put them in a bag and said bon voyage to his sorry sideburn ass. Just so you know, there are several different kinds of peaches, you’ve got white peaches, California peaches, the Ukrop’s peaches, you also have about three types of nectarines and if you haven’t been a cashier for as long as I have you may mistaken them for peaches. Stupid question my ass, sure as hell beats stupid people. Sorry, I didn’t mean to go off like that, but I guess as you can tell I’m not over it. So they came in today while I was dusting and then I went back up front and Jaq has me open up a register, not that we needed one open. The firemen were in one of the lines and I wanted nothing more than to avoid having them come through my line, especially since McCreepy was with them. So I walked up to sign in very slowly, which is hard for me since I seem to do everything a little quicker then most people. I lucked out though and got a customer right away before I had to call ass-wipe and his friends over. I really need to work on my language, it’s not very lady like.
Later Gus-Gus came up to ask me to go on register two, well, actually he said that he needed someone to open up 2 and I told him that if he put me on that register I would quit right then and there…and I seriously meant it. Gus-Gus walks off and later I realize that he went on it. I have power again! I didn’t feel bad, in fact, I felt more justified in the fact that I don’t see Gus-Gus as a real manager, he’s going to let some chick boss him around? Goodness. Oh, the whole reason that I absolutely refused to go on Register 2 today was because I was on there yesterday for a good three hours. My manager (he needs a name…Bull Dog because he has a bull dog on a bike tattoo on his leg) had me close a big register to go on two and I told him that going to 2 wasn’t much incentive for me to hurry up my current order. He thought I liked 2…first common misconception of managers, they think that people like solitary confinement, second common misconception they think I like situations where I get paid to do absolutely nothing. Just because a bunch of teenagers would prefer to stand around doing nothing while earning money does not mean that I want to do that too. If they jumped off a bridge I’d rather take a picture then join them. I tell him I hate register 2 which he disputes that I am good for it because I’m so fast (that doing things a little quicker then most people thing again). I tell him I felt like I was a waste on it because I was fast. He said he didn’t think so, therefore I ended up on register two twiddling my thumbs. I think I even was able to say aloud without a single soul hearing me, “You don’t call this a waste?” During some of my slower periods of the day I was able to color in a good sized piece of register tape in with my black pen. But it didn’t end there, it never ends there. There are these coupons that some customers got some how, it certainly wasn’t because they are friendly, for $10 off when they fill a prescription at our new pharmacy. So this lady comes in and gets a $2-something prescription and a few other things. I’m reading it to make sure that the $10 is off on everything or not and she says that it is but I had read it wrong so I punch in the Plu code, (mind you this lady was already bugging me for other various reasons). Now, I’ve done one of these coupons before where I punch in the code and it didn’t seem to register but it took it off in the total so it didn’t really matter if it turned up on the screen…right? You get the $10 off so who cares if you can see where it took it from? So the lady with her little I’m a rich snob who drives an S.U.V. and plays tennis on Tuesday, go to my personal trainer on Wednesdays and really just like to bitch to Ukrop’s employees on Fridays voice starts to get an attitude with me about the damn coupon and telling me that if it isn’t taking it off of the whole order then she didn’t want to use it (mind you I am on express and she is holding up my freaking line, I just want to get back to coloring my piece of register tape). Not only is she complaining, but she is repeating herself. I can’t take it, I snap as much as possible without having to go to some review and I interrupt her banshee rant with something verbal like an, “Okay,” or “hold on” I don’t really remember what I said but I remember that my tone changed and I have never let my tone of voice change with a customer! That’s how under my skin she got. I call over a manager because I have to displace this annoying lady somehow. Another cashier has come up by this point and the manager finally comes over. The cashier says something to me which I didn’t catch, I just felt my face get hot and my eyes water up, my throat was tight and I turned to the other cashier and ask if she will go on for me for a little bit. She says “sure” and the moment that she does I run off to the bathroom trying to hide the fact that I have just lost it. My face was all contorted I’m sure so I threw my hand up over it and walked quickly to the restroom. I locked myself in a stall and just let myself cry. My friend who was eating lunch in the café had apparently seen me and came in to check up on me. It helped to have someone to talk about it to, but at the same time, I don’t like if people see me cry, it’s not really something I like happening. I pull myself together and go back out to reclaim the register that I never even wanted. So this is why I refused to go on register 2 today. However, it didn’t save me from annoying, bitchy customers. I have to wonder if the whole state of Virginia had PMS because this week has been one of the hardest weeks for me to deal with customers, so much that I really did almost quit. I would have called and cancelled my interview for Wednesday and just tried to live off of the small amount of money that I have. Did I mention that this morning I was in café because the girl over there needed a break? While there I had a customer come and tell me that we were almost out of Decaf (which I actually appreciated because it saved me from hearing that the decaf was empty) as I go over to fix it a lady who ranked up as a 7 (the highest score received today for customers and how many annoying things they do) complains about the diet sodas being out of order. This is the first I knew about it because I don’t work in café. I had already told this lady’s friend that, I even went ahead and made an executive decision telling her friend that she could go get a soda from the refrigerator (which is probably a better deal anyway). So the lady, even though the situation is under control, still feels the need to be heard and complains about it to me and says, “Shouldn’t you tell us before we buy the drink?” and I tell her that I didn’t know they weren’t working and she says, “Well you should know,” before I am even able to explain how I don’t even work there, I’m just letting someone on break. I think I said, “uh huh” or something like that as I walked away rolling my eyes to make more decaf before that became a problem too. Over by the coffee I said what I really felt about the lady. I’ll always remember that customer too. Her and sideburns should get together and make sure to sterilize themselves so there are no offspring. Seriously, I may not like people, but I don’t treat them the way that I talk about them. What good is it going to do for you to treat them like that? How can you sleep at night treating other humans like a doormat? Then there are their friends! How can you be friends with someone who treats “service people” like that? Can you imagine these people at restaurants? I would slit my wrist if I were a waitress in the West End. I couldn’t be friends with a jerk, I mean a jerk that says things out of ear shot…that’s fun, but someone who doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with treating people like that to their faces…I can’t stand by someone like that.
So…what I meant to talk about, the part where I am a work-a-holic, 5 o’clock came and went and I was still at work. I helped bag when I first got off register because it seems like they always need more people there. Then I went to clock out and I was back up front to say bye to The Motivator (that’s what I’ll call my favorite manager because she really is a motivator and I can’t think of anything cooler). She told me I couldn’t leave yet because she needed my creative eyes and hands. I don’t think she got the memo that I am creative in the sense that I write things, not creative in any area of artistic, aesthetical ways. I told her if she wanted I could clock back in, I didn’t mind. I didn’t have anything to do…which sadly, is true. So I clocked back in and helped her and Bull Dog clean out Floral (they are redoing the whole store so there’s a lot to be done). It was a lot of fun, but hard work. Before I knew it Motivator was telling me that it was almost seven o’clock. That makes for an 11 hour day at work. This, plus the fact that I don’t enjoy having a full day off, is why I think I may have a work-a-hol problem. I didn’t mind working the 11 hour shift, mostly because I could have pulled the plug at any time past the 9 hour mark, but honestly, I had nothing else to do. My roommates went to the beach, my sister and mom had already done their shopping for the day. I knew exactly where I would be tonight, in my room watching a movie, or playing around on the internet. I simply prolonged it while getting paid more and in a way having a work-out. Cleaning out floral was a lot of work! I finally left, completely exhausted but I had to buy some paper and this weekend was Virginia’s tax-free holiday for school supplies, so what a good time to buy more computer paper right? Well The Warrior told me that my printer paper wouldn’t be tax-free so I told him when I was ready to buy it I would come through his line and prove him wrong. So he asked me, again since he’d asked me a couple of times, if I wanted to stay and work his closing shift. I told him ‘no’ and he said that I should go for the 13 and half hour day. I said ‘no’ again and added that now that I had taken a moment to sit down I was tired. He asked me if I wanted him to buy me lunch, pause, sometime. I guess the pause was because he realized that lunch was over for the day. Then he threw in that it would be a steak. How could I refuse? I asked if that would be when we went on our date. He said it would and then asked when we were going to do that. The last date he went on was a bust because the movie sucked. I told him if he picked the movie then we’ll go. Who knows if we will ever, but I think it would be fun to hang out with the Warrior. At least someone wants to hang out with me.
In other news I told my mom about the trip to California in November. One of my old roommates is getting married in Sacramento….Sacramento? Yes, that’s where Sweet Pea is from, so I’ll admit I’m going out there more to see her again then to go to the wedding. But it would be cool to go to the wedding since I was her fiancé’s favorite roommate (of hers). Well, me and Sweet Pea both, he thought we were funny…tell us something that we don’t know! Elephants are the only mammal that can’t jump.
Baby Face totaled the truck! I told him I loved that truck and couldn’t believe that it was gone. He said, “You sat on that truck for 5 minutes and you’re already in love with it?” I get attached easily. I told him “yeah, I already named him Henry.” Later I was talking to him and I said that I couldn’t believe Henry…or Herbert, or whatever was gone. There’s hope for Henry-Herbert because Baby Face’s dad wants to go ahead and try to get it repaired. I still don’t know if I’ll ever get to see that truck again. Also, as much as I think that Baby Face and I are friends I am beginning to think that we will never hang out. We are supposed to go shooting sometime but our schedules really don’t coordinate. Next Saturday I work in the afternoon and it really might be an all day thing, then the Saturday after he is going out of town to help move his sister. He said that maybe we could go during the week, but I do the school thing in the mornings. I told him we could go Tuesday after I get out of school but it’s his sister’s birthday. Who knows if it is even his sister’s birthday, maybe he decided that I am fun but only at a distance and doesn’t really want to hang out. That’s cool with me, but he should just say it…not in those words though. Because I get the feeling that he thinks I’m a cool person, and he talks to me and all so I know that I’m not one sided in being his friend (which unfortunately I have run into that once or twice in my life which is why I don’t really reach out much anymore), so maybe it’s one of those friendships that you like to have just at work but you don’t want outside of work. I understand those, I have a few friends like that at the school. I think they are cool girls but I just don’t think we have enough in common to hang out outside of the school. Which is sad since that ends in two weeks. Oh well, life goes on.
Oh, also, I received some roses on my toilet this morning. That’s right, roses on the toilet. I took a picture. When I woke up late this morning it was mostly due to having to go to the bathroom so as I rushed in there I found half a dozen roses in a mason jar and a card. Unfortunately I didn’t have time to appreciate them seeing as how it was urgent to use the bathroom, so I removed them to the floor quickly. I wanted to ask my roommates who they were from because the card was not signed but it was definitely girl writing and it said something about being a good influence on the girls that lived in the house with me, so I figure it wasn’t one of them, but I didn’t have time to ask because I was late to work. I do like getting flowers though, toilet seat or not.

Chapter 73
Revolutionize

You know, I was stupid to think that I would be so welcoming to change. As a simple thought that has no chance in hell of actualizing, change sounds fun, adventuresome, exciting. But you know something? When the opportunity comes along to actually do something about this change, it’s scary, and those attachments that you didn’t think existed show up. People you always felt you had no problem leaving suddenly become important to you. Life that seemed dreary and unavoidable, once becoming avoidable, seems like the only place you want to be, the only thing you want to be doing.
Where is all of this coming from? Mostly the part where just a little over a week ago I was ready to completely revamp my life, move to a new place, get a new job, change friends, you know, the usual. Then my ward dissolved, and change happened there. Then this past Sunday my sister tells me that she is pregnant, and has asked if I could move down to North Carolina for a couple of months (Around February), “sure!” I say almost too quickly. I am thinking in the moment, I am thinking impulsively. She tells me to think about it and I say, “No duh”. So I’ve been thinking about it. And “it” is scary. I don’t know where I will be at that time, I actually like living here (in this house) and is there a way I can keep my room, but not live here for four or five months? I would be starting all over, I would be in a place without the guarantee of a job, I’d be in a new ward, in a place I don’t really know that well. I’m finally adjusting to being home and now I plan on leaving? This is why my sister said to think about it. I do want to be down there though. I miss my sister and my nephew and it would really help them out since her husband will be back overseas when she’s due. I should just do it. Really, what do I have to lose?
Oh on Sunday Spam kept asking if my sister was pregnant and we kept saying, “No, she’s just expecting.” It was funny, because Spam is not far along in this life to catch that we were telling that my sister is pregnant. She just sat there wondering what in the world she was expecting.
So today was interesting…very interesting. First off though, the little boy I work with at the school is getting used to me, which is nice, but sad because we only have 2 and half weeks left. Today we made each other dizzy while moving our heads from should to shoulder making little “pop” noises with our mouths. He seemed to think it was funny, and really, I did too.
But moving on to my “other” job and what made my day interesting. The best part about today was expecting it to be bad and it turned out to be descent. I got to work with The Warrior and Baby Face; and Poof Daddy was working in the back so we saw him every once in a while. I was helping to bag groceries on The Warrior’s register and his hand accidentally touched my arm and he just stopped what he was doing and said, “My hand just accidentally slid across your arm and your skin is really smooth.” Then he asked me what lotion I used. I told him I don’t use lotion and he called me “blessed”. It was so funny, but then he called Baby Face over later tonight to touch my arm, so Baby Face used one finger and slid it down my arm and then slid it down his arm, he did that about four times and finally The Warrior told him that his arm wasn’t soft so stop trying.
For my fifteen minute break today Baby Face and I hung out outside. It was actually very nice today, the weather was really hot last week but we had rainstorms and it cooled it down. So Baby Face and I got break at the same time so we went and sat on the tailgate of his truck. It was neat to actually get a chance to talk to him. Earlier we had been talking about shooting and I was talking about how I’ve gone once before and almost shot my foot off, so he tells me how he goes about once a week. Well, now we are going to go shooting sometime. Not this weekend because I am going out of town but I told him I would let him know. I asked him how he would feel if I accidentally shot him…he told me he would be royally pissed, but I suppose that’s understandable. I think I cling to him and the Warrior a lot more because of Puppy Love, who is back on his hugging streak. I checked with Baby Face to see if he knew about the situation but he didn’t so I didn’t want to tell him, but he told me that since I brought it up I had to tell him. So I told him all about it and how Puppy Love peed on me. He seemed to think that was funny, but he asked me if I wanted him to take care of the situation, but by telling Puppy Love that he’s a weirdo and he needs to stop hugging me. I declined; I’m still holding out that this situation can end peaceably. However, I may at any time call in my favor with Baby Face. Speaking of Puppy Love, he saw Baby Face and me sitting on the truck and when we came in he asked us whose truck we were sitting on and Baby Face says, “I don’t know, some stranger’s”. Puppy Love believed it which made us laugh.
I tried to set my foot down today about being “one of the guys”. It all really begins last night when I was talking to Poof and a guy that works night operations at the store. Poof tells me to check out this girl who is a couple of feet away. I look because I am thinking she’s got a weird outfit or something but then Poof says she’s hot. Night Opts tells Poof that she’s out of his league. I complain that I don’t look at girls that way so don’t ask me to do that again. So…today, Warrior suddenly says, “Look at that girl.” And I ask why and he says, “Because she is fine.” So I go off and ask him when I became one of the guys? Because I’m not. I asked him if he had me confused with someone else. I told him that I looked at the guys, not the girls. He asked me why I looked at the guys because they were losers. I really didn’t have any response to that because in a way he dissed himself, being a guy and all. Later I asked him when we were going on our date (because our friend said that he and she were going on a date), he smiled and waited a second and then said next week. Don’t worry; we aren’t really going on a date.
Oh Night Opts (who says that I am beautiful and calls me Miss America) asked if I was still mad at him, I didn’t know I was mad at him. But he reminded me that I got upset with him last night, and it was because when Poof told me about the “hot girl” he started to joke around with me and said that Puppy Love checks me out. I told them that I wasn’t looking to be told that people were checking me out, I’d prefer not to know, “checking out” makes me feel dirty. So then Night Opts asks me if I want to know what turns him on, and Poof and I start walking away quickly, but we come back because you can’t actually just walk away from someone for good unless you want them to think there are hard feelings. So he points at my purse and he says, “I love when girls wear their purses like that.” …creepy. I took my purse off and tried to wear it different ways, one time being around my waist like a belt, and around my neck like a choker…but he liked the choker one so I finally just went back to the way I was wearing it and walked away uncomfortably.

Chapter 72
You’re Just a Mental Hiccup

Sometimes when you have a fight with a 7 year old all you want to do is go to your home and relax, or maybe go to your room and cry yourself to sleep because you never thought you could hate a child so much. I’m talking about Spam, big surprise since she is the only 7 year old (aside from the students at school) that I deal with on a regular basis. I can only console myself with the fact that she is not actually a 7 year old, she more of a 7 year old going on 14, a 14 year old with S.P.M.S. She’s always got to have the last word, she’s always got to be right, things always have to be done her way, and for some reason she always has a fight to pick with me. Tonight she proclaimed that I am not the boss of her and she will do exactly the opposite of what I tell her to do. Of course she only directly told me that I wasn’t the boss of her, the part where she will do the opposite of what I say was said to Burrito, loudly. That’s when I called out to my mom and told her I was leaving (an hour before I usually do). I feel bad because my mom has told me how she doesn’t want to begrudge the kids because sometimes she feels like her kids don’t feel comfortable in her house because of Spam and Burrito. Burrito and I are cool Spam and I on the other hand have never really been cool with each other, maybe before she was old enough to talk. I couldn’t stay there though, I couldn’t be in the same house as her because Spam never shuts-up…as her nickname provides. I knew that if I was still in the house then she would constantly be trying to make her opinion heard and I didn’t feel like putting up with that tonight, Sundays are my days to relax and I just don’t get to if she is there. When I said goodbye to my mom I went to say goodbye to my dad and Burrito was calling out goodbye to me. I said goodbye to him and then Spam said it and I ignored her and Burrito kept trying to tell me she was saying goodbye to me. I told him I wasn’t talking to her because she is a spoiled brat. Miss Gotta have the Last Word was still talking when I walked out the door.
So when I get home there are a bunch of people at my house, big surprise there, why would I think that I could actually come home and relax? Man, I’m so stupid. So I came to my room and changed and locked my door and tried to relax. But my roommate came to get me to play a game. I leave my hermit hole to go play this game she’s talking about but it never happens…ever, we never played it. Kind of upset me, but by the end of the night I was over it. I hung out with some people downstairs waiting for the game and this kid who I’ve never even seen before comes into the room and does the Peter Pan stance! His feet are spread shoulder width apart and his hands are on his hip, he’s even got this little purse thing hanging by his hip (like Peter’s knife), so I whisper, “Peter Pan.” And that is how I will always remember him. So later he comes down the stairs and the moment I see him I say, “It’s Peter Pan” my friend was sitting next to me and started laughing, even though she didn’t know why I was calling him that, but I suppose it’s one of those things that can be funny on it’s own. Later, after he left, I was telling her why and this guy sitting next to me was cracking up. I guess maybe that I am a little weird; I do have a lot of theories about things and come on, I just called a complete stranger Peter Pan with a purse.

Chapter 71
Honestly

Yesterday I was stuck on express and I had this one customer that kind of stood out to me. People usually don’t stand out to me because of good things; they are usually annoying or do something that makes them memorable, such as an older couple getting into a fight over medium eggs. So this customer was paying using our debit/credit machine and with this machine you can slide your store card and then your credit card, but if you slide your credit card you can’t slide your store card…have I lost you yet? So the guy slide his card but it didn’t go through and then immediately after he slide his credit card; so I tell him that his store card didn’t go through. Now, the screen is asking him for whether or not this is a debit or credit card and he is trying to slide his store card. I tell him that it won’t read it while that information was there; I guess I should have said because he already slid his card so he presses “credit” and continues to slide his card. I have one of two options here and unfortunately kicking him out of the store is not one of them. I could either tell him I’ll have to just ring his card up or I could reset the machine for him to slide through his store card, but he would have to slide his credit card again. I take option two because it doesn’t involved speaking to the customer and sometimes you get the feeling that certain customers just don’t want to let you slide their card for them…I don’t know what the big deal is, but whatever, I reset the machine. His card finally goes through and then he sits there and I tell him he’ll have to slide his card through, genius thinks that the machine can differentiate between two different cards…I don’t know, maybe I’m being mean to this guy, maybe it really is that hard to understand. Regardless the guy gets all upset and I just think to myself, “Don’t get mad at me because you’re stupid”.
Speaking of not caring about customers, I am applying for placement advancement at work. It turns out that there is actually openings for temporary trainers, we’d work on a when they need us basis. I saw the sign up yesterday and I just had the conversation with my manager the day before so I figured what the hell. I got the proper paper work yesterday and I am taking my resume in today. Jaq thought it was for a permanent position and was telling me I couldn’t work at that location anymore, but I explained that it is temporary, so I would still work there most of the time, just travel around to other stores when they needed me. It’s extra pay and I figure while I’m there I might as well get some positions that look better on my resume. Because I can’t control how long I’ll be there, but no matter how long I am there I could either stay a cashier the whole time, or get more money and a better title, am I stupid to think that this is a good idea?
When I was mentioning memorable customers did I bring up the boy that was wearing one of those toilet seat papers that you find in many public bathrooms? Yeah, so this little boy is shopping with his grandmother and I see him walk by and I have to do a double take because at first it looks like he has a really thin x-ray vest on, and then I realize it’s one of the toilet things. Grandma doesn’t seem to notice or care, and the kid seems pretty happy to be wearing one. So I just smiled at him and he was the talk of the front end for a good five minutes. It’s like the kid whose mother lets him chomp down on candles while they are waiting in line…one word, “weird”.
Yesterday Jaq informs me that he did something without asking me first, so I automatically knew that I was going to be in café sometime next week. He goes into a whole spiel about how people are sick, or on vacation or something over there and I really don’t care. He always has to explain everything to me, it doesn’t really need explanation, if I wanted an explanation about how he is in a bind and he figures that I know how to close café so he put me over there despite the fact that a lot of other people know how to close café then I would ask. Dropping in there that you know that even if I didn’t know how to close café I could figure it out doesn’t really help either. It doesn’t make me feel any smarter, it sure as hell doesn’t make me feel like, “Oh great, Jaq thinks I’m smart enough to figure out how to sweep, mop, empty coffee and trash, and wipe down tables man, I should go back to school to be a rocket scientist because I’m so much more smarter than my coworkers.” Then out of the blue, at least I felt like it was, Jaq says, “You don’t like me very much do you?” I said, “No,” I mean, he wanted me to speak honestly right? Or would he prefer that I flat out lie to him, “What do you mean? Oh course I do, I mean, you always listen when I say that I hate café and you always put me in it. You’re a man whore and the way you shake my hand makes me feel like you are helping me out of a carriage rather than saying ‘hello’ in a business like manner, oh and you always squeeze the fattiest part of my arm Why wouldn’t you be my favorite manager?” Ok, so to lie I would have just said, “Of course I do.” But what is the point of that? If I had felt bad about not liking him I would have stumbled over my words and thought to myself, “Oh crap I’ve been caught” as I try to fix the situation. But I didn’t feel that need, I didn’t miss a beat, and I looked him right in the eye. I suppose the conversation in that situation was taken as my disgust for being scheduled for café, and a closing shift no less. But I knew that it wasn’t simply meaning in this conversation, I really don’t like the guy. I asked him what part he missed when I told him that I hated café, was it the ‘hate’ part that confused him or was it the ‘café’ part he missed? You know, that may have been the comment that brought on him asking me if I didn’t like him, but right now the whole conversation is a blur.
A couple of minutes later though I thought to myself, ‘what would he do if I said no?’ He had told me that I could say ‘no’ but when have I ever? So I went back up to him and asked what he would do if I had said ‘no’ not that I was, but hypothetically speaking. He missed the part where I said that I wasn’t saying ‘no’ I just wanted to know. So he goes off on another spiel and I am left regretting that I ever wondered.
Finally we get it cleared up, by this time we have moved and I am back at my register and there is good distance between me and Jaq when he says, ‘Thanks it’s just one day’ and then he starts to walk away and I say, “yeah no problem,” and then under my breath where a kid standing next to me barely heard I said, “one day every week.” It really has been that way, last week; when the watermelon cake fell on me, I was suppose to be in café. Tomorrow, I am scheduled in café, and now next Wednesday I am working in café. That’s almost a month straight. I’ve worked it numerous times before as well. Now Bakery is trying to get their little claws in me. The bakery manager wanted me to work there next Saturday but fortunately I am going to be out of town visiting my sister and brother-in-law.
Oh and Puppy Love came in yesterday as well. Good news, no hug. Better news, he’s trying to make me jealous with other girls but really I’m just relieved that his attentions are elsewhere. He’s “seems” really attached to these two other girls and I am praying that he isn’t trying to make me jealous but that he really has moved on and that one of them work out for him. I should still fabricate a boyfriend just in case.

Chapter 70
We Need Boyfriends!

So today I was talking to Poof Daddy at work. He was working in a different department today and I was complaining to him about that because no cool people were working late with me (well a few of them were but Puppy Love was working and I really don’t like working with him). So I tell him that Puppy Love has been annoying me because he hugs me too much and Poof Daddy says, “Because he has a crush on you.” I was thrown off a little and said, “Did he tell you that or did you just assume that?” and he says, “He told me,” and then he seemed a little surprised and asked, “has he told you?” I told him that he had but I didn’t think that he would tell anyone, so then Poof Daddy says that pretty much all the courtesy clerks know that Puppy Love likes me! Oh my gosh…I’ve been peed on! The question is how many people know? It ticks me off just a little bit. Why would anyone tell all those people that they like someone after that certain someone has told them that they were not interested? Seriously. I tell Poof Daddy that Puppy Love is down right Stalker-ish. He then says, “yeah that happened to me with this girl over in Southside,” and I interrupted him and, “Gosh, I said I was sorry, just let it go man.” I let Poof finish his story and then tell him that I need to just pretend that I have a boyfriend and then he says that is what the guys who work up front have to do. He said, “Yeah we all have to say that we have boyfriends so that this one girl will leave us alone.” See, I caught on to his mistake and he didn’t so I said, “boyfriends huh?” He corrected himself pretty quickly and I told him that was good because otherwise some guy might start hitting on him because he heard he was gay. He said that would freak him out and I thought about it and said that if a girl hit on me I would be weirded out too. Then he says that my friend always hits on me, she’s always smacking my butt (which she has never done to me) and I told him that she was just doing a “good game” and guys do it to each other all the time, to which he asked if coming to work was a sporting event. Sometimes it is.
So today one of the trainers came into work and aside from being extremely cute he gets to wear a black polo shirt instead of the blue ones we were. So I tell my manager that I want a black shirt. He was really confused for a while until I explained that the trainer guy got to have one. He told me I had to be a trainer to get one of those. So later he comes near my register and it was really slow so I start talking to him and I say, “I probably wouldn’t be good at training,” alluding to the black shirts again. He told me that he actually thought I would be very good at it and I said, “I know!” He started to laugh and said something about my ego…but really, I don’t know if I’d be a good one or not. I just play that I’ve got self-esteem and self-confidence…I mean, it’s a start.
Just so you know, today I got out of hugs with Puppy Love on account of the weather. It was 100+ with the heat index. I actually thought it felt nice, like warming up on a winter day. But after working in it, and standing in it, I would sweat without much work involved. So Pup kept asking if he was going to give him a hug and I told him ‘no’ it’s too hot. One day I’ll tell the truth, but until then maybe the weather will continue to be almost too hot to breathe. It did rain today though, a nice, sunny rain. Someone said that it had cooled off and maybe it had, it was hard to tell because when I stepped outside it felt like stepping into a bathroom that has a hot shower going on inside.
When I got home I heard a loud thumping every couple of seconds in the kitchen, and one of my other roommate laughing hysterically. I went in to find that the one not laughing was throwing a snowball (the sweet, dessert type thing) against the kitchen wall. She said it was good at relieving stress so I grabbed one and threw it against the wall. One of them said that I had the best arm in the house. I knew that all that cashiering would pay off somehow in my life. We threw them until the package broke open (usually one throw) and then I started to wrap them in plastic baggies and we kept on going. Some of them split their top layers from the chocolate cake thingy on the inside; that was pretty cool.
After we were finished with our stress relief the gossip began. There were two of us in the kitchen and two of them started to whisper to each other and I told them I couldn’t hear them that well they would have to move closer, and one of them warned me that it was drama and they didn’t want to pull me in, I told them that I like drama and if they wouldn’t tell me then I would start to tell them my own. They moved in and I said quietly, “The Inner Circle”. Then I felt the need to explain, a need I feel right now as well. The Inner Circle originated with Sweet Pea and me and a third roommate, we all had a common bond, well actually, I didn’t really have that bond, they didn’t like their room-roommates, I was okay with mine, but somehow they still accepted me. We lost the third roommate but picked up the Antagonizer the next year (kind of a mistake but we needed someone to quickly fill the opening) then a new roommate moved in and she became part of it. This past year we had another girl, but the inner circle didn’t have the same effect as it once had. But I still like to say it like I am about to unleash a completely and totally evil plan of world domination and/or destruction. Back to the story, they broke down and told me of their complaints about Motor mouth (The roommate formerly known as Antag jr.). She got a new phone and they warned me that that would be all she talked about for the next three weeks. I simply said that I figured that, they both gave me a quizzical look and I said, “I’ve lived here for two months, I have observed things. So I knew she was like that when I heard the same story for the fifth time.” They both has been drinking when I said that and I almost lost them to drowning. I like these two roommates and I feel better about the fact that the reason they were so secretive around me was that they didn’t want to corrupt me and make me think too badly of motor mouth, but you see, I already had formed a similar opinion of her, so now maybe things will get better. And Diva (On of the roommates, I’ll call the other Jelly Bean) asked if I was moving out, I told her that my mom has just wanted me to, it didn’t mean that I was. Then Jelly Bean came in and started the blender and I said that I was moving out because Jelly Bean was so loud, then I said, “If Jelly Bean is giving you a headache raise your hand.” But Diva was worried I was moving, which means that part of her must want me here, and being wanted makes you want to stay a little bit.

Chapter 69
The Dynamic Dinner

So tonight we had roommate dinner. I was pretty quiet because even though I have lived here for two months I haven’t spent a lot of time with my roommates and I don’t even know if they like me, but as you already know, I don’t always like them. But we had a pretty good time. We couldn’t stop laughing at first. I am getting the hang of the roommate dynamics and am here to report that my intuitions are pretty good. I perceived that the two roommates that live upstairs don’t really get along with the other downstairs roommate. I was right, I mean, they get along with her most of the time, but these two are thick as thieves. They remind me of Sweet Pea and me, or course Sweet Pea and me were a whole lot funnier. Beside the point, so if they are Sweet Pea and me, then that leaves the third roommate to be the Antagonizer, but she’s not one, it’s completely for comparison purposes. We got along with the Antagonizer sometimes but we didn’t always. So at one point during dinner jokes were flying, but these were venomous jokes, sharp darts of dislike camouflaged as a reminiscence of something funny with a thick creamy core of repugnance. And then one roommate pulls a Sweet Pea and does some appeasement work as Antagonizer Jr. said something that stopped the laughs because she forgot the camouflage on her comment.
It was interesting to say the least. But the good news is that I’m not the least favorite, I’m just the one they are still trying to get used to. There was one point in tonight’s conversation when Antag Jr. was talking about boys and she said, “You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t” so I said under my breath, “dam it”. I figure if she’s allowed to use that language as the dinner table then so am I!
All in all we had a pretty good dinner, but then it was over and there is a weird tension here. I think I have spoken of it before, I don’t think the two roommates like the other one. She seems to have been bugging them after dinner last night, so then everyone went their way and I came to my room, in my pajamas by 9pm and writing a chapter. I think I’ll go watch Benny and Joon because I need some more Johnny Depp.

Chapter 68

The Winds of Change

So I was thinking to myself yesterday that I needed a change in my life. I had no idea that change would come to me! I thought I was going to have to work for it, but instead I got it out of the blue this morning at church. That’s when I decided that I don’t like change, at least the kind that I can’t control anyway. Our ward is gone. I don’t mean that they split, or that we redrew the boundaries, which in a way we did redraw the boundaries but in the process Tuckahoe ward was eliminated. As far back as I can remember I have been going to church as a member of the Tuckahoe ward and now it doesn’t even exist. I think that is what made it the hardest today. If we had split and simply been placed in another ward due to boundary lines I could have handled that, at least the ward would be there! Instead the place I have called my home ward all of my life is gone and I am a permanent visitor, a refugee, a deportee of the Glen Allen ward, the next worst part is that my parents and my sister are in a different ward than me. Sometimes I can’t help but feel that life is spinning out of control. I just added it to one more thing on the list. But then I reminded myself that my life isn’t that bad and I should suck it up. I kept asking for strength and I think that is a step in the right direction. I have to stop assuming that I have to do everything on my own and learn when I need to ask for help. Sure I was still touchy after that, but who wouldn’t be when something that has been a part of their life for all of their life is no longer there? I could help but think what part of my life is not looking at some form of change or major decision? Such as my living arrangements, my job situation, and where I go to church. And of course the big question of the three is where am I going to go to for church? My records are in the Gayton Ward, I live in the Glen Allen ward, and the people in my similar condition are all in the singles ward. Singles ward is out until I get gutters on my house. But once those are in place do I join the league of single people or do I just try to live my life as normal as possible (and people, please don’t try to convince me that attending a singles ward is normal because if you believe that then you are completely delusional).

Then there is my mom who is trying to get me to move. She wants me closer to home but after today and finding out that she had knowledge of this event prior to its taking place I understand why she has been trying to get me to move closer to home, she wants me in the ward boundaries. I’m holding out to see where life takes me.

In the end though, it comes down to the fact that things like this happen all the time. Wards split and consolidate constantly, people cry about the change, but then they acclimate. They build new friendships and either slowly forget old ones or keep them going, either way, no one is crying about it while it’s happening. It’s the thought of change that really seems to bother us, but change itself is the only constant we have. I know I’ll be okay; I just have to stop expecting the worst

Chapter 67
Time Bomb

So I was really tired after my three hours of sleep. That’s right, three, because the people didn’t leave until 3am and they were loud right until the end. Then my alarm clock went off at 6:20. I looked like crap, because to be honest after I finished writing down all my angry feelings I started to cry. I cried because I’m such a rotten person and I just felt so vile towards my roommates. I cried because I’m done with being here. But I also know that leaving here wouldn’t make things better because everywhere is the same. People all over the world are in similar situations as I am. Life drags on for everyone, but most people have enough distractions to keep them content. I’m a little low in the distractions category. I have a mentally draining day job and a physically draining evening job and my roommates wear me out emotionally, and frankly there aren’t enough Sundays to make up for it. When did life become so permanently dreary? I have to learn to be happy, and I don’t know if I can do that. How do people do it? How come I can’t? I cried to God telling Him that I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough to do this. Then I kept asking him why I’m here, what am I suppose to be doing? Where am I supposed to be? When it comes down to it I kind of feel abandoned.
I sat in a car today for about half an hour just crying. Burrito was the one to shove me over the edge when he threw a tantrum at the store. Sometimes he frustrates me so much. My mom keeps trying to get me to move closer to home, well, to move home but I told her I couldn’t live there with Burrito and Spam. I can’t tolerate those two very well, and my emotional break down today in the car just proved that to my mom. Of course, it could also have to do with the fact that I was going on three hours of sleep and two sausage biscuits. So then she tried to get me to think about moving into a studio apartment attached to the house of a lady who goes to church with us. I don’t need my own place because then I will truly become anti-social and there will be no one to keep me in check of whether or not I am doing that. Besides, you have to just learn to live with certain people right? If you don’t then you are the one who becomes a very difficult person to live with.
Things got better anyway. I went back to my parent’s house and watched a Johnny Depp movie, what more does a girl need to feel better? I was isolated in my parent’s room and my cousins were not allowed to come in. Then I ate something, granted it was only some cheez-its. I finally called up my sister and we came to my house for a party, and before hand I decided that I would spend the night at my parents since I needed to be up earlier then my roommates would for church the next morning. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go because part of me was still mad at them for keeping me up the night before. But as soon as I got there they were apologizing to me about it. In fact during the party a couple of the guys who had been over came up to me and apologized because they didn’t realize I had been sleeping or how loud they had been. They probably saw how badly I looked because my eyes were probably puffy and I had dark circles under my eyes.
Anyway, my sister and I ended up having a really great time at the party! We didn’t really talk to too many people, but we don’t really need people to entertain us, well, we need them because we talk about them not to them. It’s not as mean as it sounds. My sister picked out three guys that she thought were pretty good looking and we just talked about how much they wanted her. It’s raises her self esteem and makes for a lot of laughs for the two of us.
When we were getting ready to leave we came into my room so I could grab my book bag with my overnight materials in it. Then some girls came in to talk to us so we sat down and talked for a while. Then this girl I didn’t know came in and sat down next to me on my bed, want to talk about awkward…we just did. But wait, there’s a bit more awkwardness here, some guy came into my room, one I don’t know, and came to attack the girl sitting next to me. He came uncomfortably close to my bed and I told him I wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be that close to my bed. Then he went in for the kill and was trying to get something from the girl but in the process was on my bed! I told him I was pretty sure he wasn’t suppose to do that and that maybe he should remove himself from my room. It was all jokingly…but not really. I don’t let strange guys attack girls I don’t know right there on my bed. Goodness I do have some morals! Then I was going to grab something out of my bathroom and I went to open the door quickly and I hit someone trying to get into my bathroom and I just quickly closed my door again while yelling out “sorry, sorry, sorry.” When we heard the toilet flush my friend went to check out who it was. Turns out it was the Researcher, my new friend who helped me to experiment on the party guest last time we had a get together. He told me that his foot caught the door, but he was probably just saving face because he just got his butt kicked by a girl.
Then the girls left and I was getting ready to leave so I was closing my “back door” (I have two doors to access my room) and my friend, who I call Master Jedi as part of his nickname, so that’s what I’ll call him here was walking though. He said that he saw the door open so was going to come check it out. Then he, like most other people that I know, said that he didn’t know I lived here too. I introduced him to my sister and then we ended up talking for a bit. I used to have a crush on this guy, and well, I still do. He’s one of those funny, sweet guys who is cute, but not drop dead gorgeous, and even though he doesn’t have dark brown hair I still like him. In the middle of conversation though he wondered if I fit on my bed, he said that it looked shorter than me…and yes, I do fit, but my feet usually stick out over the edge anyway, even though I have a fear of things grabbing my feet in the middle of the night.

Chapter 66
If Only I had a Knife

Chapter 66 has been removed by the writer for the fact that she has some serious remorse and regret about writing it. Therefore it has been removed, rather then simply edited.

Chapter 65
Red Dye 40

Today was considerably long, but I didn’t think it was all too bad…even taking into account all that happened. I worked in the bakery yet again. I got there at 10 and by 11 I had to wear an apron to hide the pink blemish on my pants that I had gained, bright pink. I was cutting cakes in half and there happens to be a cake with bright pink icing, it’s called the watermelon cake. I had already cut it in half and was trying to get the first half to a new container when it slipped/flipped/jumped towards my pants. I think my initial reaction was to try to save it by pushing my body towards it to stop it from hitting the ground. This is what I would do with any other object I would usually be dealing with at work; it’s not really a good idea when it is an object not in a container. Therefore the cake was on my pants. At this point I stopped worrying about salvaging the cake and threw it on the counter; it had made me mad now! Not really. I started to laugh which I figure is a pretty good reaction to something like this. I tried to clean it up but I think it just spread further. So I walked over to the kitchen with my hands over my pants and asked for an apron. They knew something was up so I had to show them.
Jaq came back a couple of times to “check up” I guess. I don’t know what he was really doing, probably avoiding work as usual. When he left the last time he squeezed my arm, right at the fatty part. He does that a lot and it really bugs me! I just want to tell him to stop squeezing my fat!
Puppy Love came over too; he really pisses me off with what a stalker he is. I was working and I had a pretty good visual of everything around me, had a wall behind me and somehow he got into my blind spot. It was just plain creepy. The first time he came up I was labeling stuff and he says, “What no hug?” Like I’ve ever actually gone over to him without some prompt and given him a hug. I told him I was working and he wouldn’t be getting a hug. He crossed the line into the bakery and came over and gave me a hug which I did not return. Then later he asked if I would take his shift on Tuesday night and I told him I couldn’t because I already grabbed someone’s shift that day. He asked what time and I’m not even sure, I just worry about it when it is that week. I told him it was probably closing and he said, “Oh I’ll keep my shift then because I’ll have someone to talk to.” I should have grabbed a knife and slit my wrist right then because just the thought of Tuesday night is already too painful for me to live through. I’m going to have to quit the job just to get away from him aren’t I? Or I could have him taken care of. Luckily when I was leaving he was going on break and I don’t even think he saw me leave, I slipped out the door.
I got to see the Warrior today though! I got my one wish for the week and that was to be able to tell him that he was the #1 cashier. He thought I was teasing him but finally believed me. He went upstairs to check it out just to make sure. He told me later that Jaq kind of burst his bubble and told him it wouldn’t last. That pissed me off, way to boost morale asshole. Oh and to add to that, the comment he made to me yesterday about no longer being his favorite cashier, and he told Poof Daddy today that he didn’t even make the top 5. When Poof was telling me about it he mentioned that Jaq talking to him like that didn’t really help him want to work harder. I think all three of us agree and I think I should mention to my favorite manager that Jaq is stifling our competition. The three of us have helped each other do better and we did it without Jaq’s help, in fact we probably did better when he wasn’t in the same vicinity as us.
I saw Baby Face too, today is the first day that he can drive without an adult in the car! I was way excited for him, I don’t really remember what that was like, but I’m sure I was excited when I was able to do that too…actually I was probably scared. And the Inspector was there this morning. The only bummer of it all was that I was in bakery and they were all up front-end (except the Warrior who had just come in for his check). It’s okay though, the way the others were scheduled, I wouldn’t have gotten to work with any one of them for very long.
As I left work today, I placed my purse just so, and tried to walk casually and coolly while holding it in place. Of course, I did show it off to a couple of people today. It was pretty cool, it was a new experience. I went to my parents home and soaked the heck out of the pink blob and I’m happy to report that you can barely see any pink in those pants…thank goodness because if they hadn’t I would have had to go back to the store and buy another pair and that’s twenty-some bucks and frankly I don’t get paid enough to look good at work. Besides the only way you see the pink is if you’re looking hard at it and considering where it is…I would have to wonder why someone would be looking at my thighs so intently, and I may have to call the cops.

Chapter 64
There Are Only So Many Hugs a Girl Can Take

So today at school the little boy I work one on one with was not there. So I was placed in another room to help out. There was a little boy in that class that I have met before. My sister baby-sits him and so we all hung out last week. I hadn’t even talked to him and he started to cuddle with me, hug me, once he even put his arm around me when we were out to lunch. Yesterday I saw him on the playground and he came up saying, “There you are, you’re here.” Then I saw him three other times while I was still out on the playground and he kept saying, “see you on the bus ramp.” He’s the cutest little kid. However, all he wanted to do was to hug me and cuddle with me today and he needed to do his work! I wasn’t sure if I was even helping in the classroom or if I was just a distraction for this kid. The day was long but fun, however, I really missed everyone in my classroom and I missed the way my classroom is run. I’ll be glad to be back there on Monday.
Then I went to work. I was really cranky today for some reason, probably a mixture of being completely worn out from the combination of these two jobs and then there’s also the fact that maybe my period is coming soon. Needless to say I wasn’t too pleased to be at the grocery store. Then to make it worse, Jaq came back from break and was in charge of the front. I don’t know how it started but I began to have an attitude and almost said some things I would have regretted. At one point he said that I used to be his favorite cashier when I was the number one cashier, but now The Warrior was. I took a pause here, saying one thought while keeping one silent. The first and silent thought was that I wanted to say to Jaq that he was never my favorite manager, so if he expected his “disappointment” to cause me to kiss up to him he was wrong. The second, vocal thought was that I was really excited for the Warrior. He’s been working hard to be the number one cashier and was almost to the point of giving up. Then Jaq asked me to go on register (I had just maneuvered my way off of one because customers were really annoying me today) and I told him flat out that I wasn’t his only cashier so I wasn’t going to (actually I think this was right before the “favorite” cashier remark was brought out). A few other things were said, and of course as usual everyone who heard thought I was joking. Then Jaq finally asked me why I was so mean to him (in a joking manner) and I told him he scheduled me for café one too many times. He then defended that he asked me every time, and this last time he even told me that if I didn’t want to it wasn’t too late to change the schedule (which he most certainly did not). I told him it didn’t matter because the day before this “incident” happened I told him that I really hated café. Apparently he just didn’t grasp the concept of “hate”.
So I continually denied his request to do him ‘favors’. It was almost liberating. Then Puppy Love came in and well, Puppy Love has been getting on my nerves lately, especially because he always wants to hug me. Yesterday I went to the store to buy groceries when I first went in he saw me and called me over, I was tired and I was cranky but I walked over and he gave me a hug, I asked, “Are you kidding me?” Then he took my groceries out, I could have taken them out myself but he insisted so I tried to make it brief and he gave me a hug. I am going to have to tell him the truth; one, I am not really a hugger and two, especially when it comes to him. Luckily Baby Face came in and that put me in a better mood, the best would be to have Baby Face, The Warrior, and Poof Daddy all there, but you take what you can get.
Then I got put back in the bakery at the time that I was scheduled to go home to give the lady a break. The lady would not just go! She had to look for the most ridiculous things like the only thing I had to do today was to sit and watch her frustrate herself! I was just getting pissed off at her because I didn’t need to be there and was she just going to take her break or not? Because I could go home if she wasn’t going to. She finally left and I just sat there waiting and rotting in the bakery. Once I looked over at the deli and I think one of the workers was laughing at me because he saw me just standing there in a daze, and he had heard earlier when I was telling my friend in the break room how much I hate the café…the bakery isn’t the café but it sure is close. While I was back there Puppy Love was taking out the trash and he called me to the back of the bakery and gave me another damn hug. I only half hugged him (breaking away slowly) and I took the opportunity to tell him that I was leaving as soon as the bakery lady got back. Hoping that it would get me out of hugs. Bakery lady came back and I clocked out and went to the front to tell my manager that I was leaving and to talk to my friend real quickly. So my manager asked me to stick around for a couple of minutes because her daughter was coming in with her grandchildren and she wanted me to meet them. So I stayed and talked to my friend and I went to look for mints for my manger because she really wanted some. Puppy Love saw me and called me over and I told him I was busy. I just started to get attitude with him because that will probably be the only way to deal with this. All this time I thought that in the past I was being rude by treating guys who liked me that I didn’t like with an attitude and try to pick fights with them. Who knew it was the only way to get rid of them?! Then as I was leaving I stopped to talk to Puppy Love quickly, he asked me if I had made my purse…it was cool that he thought I was cool enough to do something like that, but I had to tell him it was from Old Navy. Then as I was walking out Puppy Love was coming in and I noticed my friend on register and went straight to her to tell her goodbye, I think I even gave her a hug because I was so happy that I had avoided a hug from Puppy Love that I had to somehow share that joy. Sometimes you can just get all hugged out and sometimes you just feel like one more hug will push you over the edge.

Chapter 63
Miss Manners

Adults are rude. Now children are rude too, but they probably haven’t been told that what they are doing truly is rude, and even then it takes a while for them to realize that what they are doing is rude. Adults however have had years of experience. Today I was unfortunate enough to get stuck on express and between bouts of boredom and suicide attempts I had to deal with all the adult children coming in to buy groceries. I had one customer who was using the debit machine. Before she was done the next customer gets really close to her, looking at the debit machine like a small child would look at a game that some other kid was already playing; impatiently waiting for their turn. I had to wonder to myself if this lady realized how rude she was coming across as. Then you always and I mean always have the customers who “speak their mind” as if I really give a damn. We’ve had a chapter on how I feel about self pity and we all know that I am incapable of feeling sorry for people. I had one lady complain because the people in the deli weren’t working fast enough, of course she didn’t say it this way. She said that she must have been waiting for half and hour at the deli for her order, I gave a look of surprise to show that I may have an ounce of concern (which I didn’t). Then she said, “Well, they were working the whole time, but I guess they just can’t keep up like they used to.” “Oh,” I said, “Well that’s not good is it?” For a split second I thought maybe I should apologize to her that the people in the deli who have to stand on their feet for 8 hours a day (and it really is 8 hours a day since we work 8 and half hour days so that we can have our half hour break but still get 8 hours of pay) and who have to deal with snobby people constantly expecting them to drop everything to cut them some damn meat and these people probably want it shredded which will actually add about 5 to 8 minutes to fulfill your order because that takes so long, and the people who go home with blisters on their feet and hands, carpel tunnel, sore muscles, and cuts and scraps all over could not go as fast as they used to. My initial thought to that was that maybe usually they do go fast enough to help everyone in a timely manner, but did it ever cross this lady’s mind that maybe, just maybe we were busy!? It’s inconceivable I know, I mean, why would a grocery store ever get busy? I could tell the lady wasn’t happy that I didn’t baby her, that I didn’t call a manager over or something to alleviate the unjust way she had been treated. She was lucky that she got what she got from me, and that no one was rude to her in the deli. Those people, they have a lot of patience to not snap at these brats. Why should I call a manager over to hear someone complain about something stupid? Besides, we were so busy that one manager was on a register and the other one was constantly taking orders out. These people are the biggest group of spoiled, selfish, brats I have ever met and I can’t believe that they have so much time and free space in their brains to worry about making sure their stupid complaints are heard. Don’t they have anything more important to worry about then if their tomatoes ring up the right price or if they get their deli meat in less than 5 minutes? It’s almost sad when you think about it.
Meanwhile, I’m not so sure if Puppy Love got the message. I mean, everything pointed to him getting the message, and yet, he keeps hugging me and today he tried to put his arm around me and I bent down and let his arm slide over my head and told him he was too short to do that. Then as I was leaving he asked what I was doing tomorrow. I said that I was working all day long. At the school from 7:45 to about 12:30 and then at the store from 3-8. He said that he got off work at 12:30 and we could hang out for three hours. I don’t want to hang out with him. Luckily I diverted the whole situation. I was like, “Oh my gosh, I forgot to tell Jaq (I used his real name in real life) that I switched schedules with the Warrior, I need to go find him.” And off I went avoiding having to answer anything.
Another thing about Puppy Love has been bothering me. First off, let me interject here and say that I realized that I have been “nice” while writing. I haven’t really said what I’ve thought, and the point is to be honest, but part of me just still feels wrong about thinking/saying certain things. I’m over it for the time being and will write openly. So with my new found freedom I will first say that Gus-Gus walks like a raptor, don’t know what I mean? Go watch Jurassic Park. Now, on to Puppy Love. He doesn’t know when to stop, and when I say this I don’t mean his pursuance of me, which does fall into that category of not knowing when to stop but, what I am talking about is when he is joking around. We happened to have break together both times tonight…how exciting for me…not really. A friend of mine was also up there and we were joking around and Puppy Love would join in, but he wouldn’t follow the line of conversation. He got stuck on certain things and just kept talking! It was annoying! So much so that on both breaks I ended up standing up and going into the bathroom, one room that Puppy Love can’t follow me into.

Chapter 62
In the System

So I have been working my second job at the school, while of course still working at the grocery store and a strange thing has occurred. I have gained a renewed joy in working at the grocery store. Weird isn’t it? But having a “real” job, or so far the closest to a real job that I have had so far, has proven to me so much more how much I don’t want to grow up. I was thinking about Poof Daddy and how he is probably the closest one to my age and he is still working at the store and what makes the two of us so different? Of course then common sense reentered my mind and I remembered that he hasn’t started college yet and I have a degree and he is still three years younger than me and I’m just pathetically working my high school job. But I like the job; with the exception of my two managers (Gus-Gus and the other I will call Jaq…a little brighter than Gus-Gus but still a mouse). Jaq is a man whore, and I’m not saying this only because I don’t like him, but because he can’t stop himself from touching women, from talking to them, from staring at them. To just let you know, Gus-Gus is also a man-whore. These two are those creepy 30-something year old bachelor’s that you wouldn’t want to be alone in a dark parking lot…actually you just wouldn’t want to be alone with them, ever. Jaq and Gus-Gus are both incompetent in what their jobs require them to do, but Jaq has more responsibility to screw up with. He has one of the most important responsibilities that there is. He does the schedule. And yes, he screws it up. For example: this past Saturday he had almost everyone scheduled to work…we don’t need everyone, we have so many employees so that people can have days off, and take vacations, work different hours of availability, we do not have them so that all of them can come in on a Saturday and stand around. At one point I put myself back from the situation, really I was slacking hanging out at the sampling table eating cookies and joking around with Maps, but I looked at the front end and the customers were vastly out numbered by possibly 10 to 15 employees. The first thing Jaq said when he came is was, “Who wants to be put first on the ‘go home early’ list?” I told him not me because for some freaking reason I only have 16 hours next week and considering that I am supporting myself now and have to pay for things like food and gasoline, I need the money. He asked almost everyone, most of us are working for money, not just because we want to be at a grocery store on a Saturday morning. I almost told him that if he didn’t want to have too many employees then maybe he should work on how he schedules everyone.
Then we had four new people. So not only was everyone working that day, but we had four new people who wouldn’t be given the option to go home early because they needed to get used to working I guess. To add to this Jaq was supposed to give these four newbies a tour of the store; he pulled me off register and had me give them a tour. Have I already mentioned that this manager is the one who had me run the front end about a week ago because he didn’t feel like being up front? He even has me take the schedule to the break room telling me that I am the only one he can trust to do that. What is everyone else going to do with it? Change people’s schedules? Not deliver the goods? Just walk to the break room and put it up, how can people really screw that up? So I had to give the tour…I have never done that before. It was pretty lame, and I’m sure I forgot to tell them a bunch of stuff, but the important stuff got covered. I showed them where the break room was, the mop room, I told them that they would learn the store so we didn’t bother walking up and down the aisles. The best part was when I took them to the bakery and introduced them to the lady I most enjoy working with back there and then we gave them all a cookie. I took them back up front and let them bag and I went back to Maps and her sample table and told her about the tour. During the tour Baby Face came over to say goodbye, he had given in to Jaq’s request for people to go home and so two and half hours after coming in he was leaving. Then the inspector was the next to go. I was bummed because Baby Face and The Inspector are so much fun to work with and they were the first two to go. I had to wait for Poof Daddy and The Warrior to get to work to alleviate my disappointment.
Oh…wasn’t I complaining about something? Oh yeah, so Jaq lets people leave and then we get busy and need them there but no one is there because he has let them go! So Saturday we got slammed at about 2:30 and both Baby Face and The Inspector were supposed to be there until 3. I couldn’t help but get upset at Jaq because of his stupidity we were all working much harder than we should have. I was ringing up orders and bagging them and baggers were coming in barely in time to even take out the orders that the cashiers were bagging. It was just frustrating to me. I ended up staying a little bit after work to help out my fellow employees because they needed more people there. I will give Jaq something though, because of how angry I get at him I work faster to release the tension.
Did I mention that the day started well? I kept trying to get Baby Face to ring up some groceries but he wouldn’t do it. He said that he had thought once about being a cashier but that’s as far as it went. He thought about it one time, then nothing. Finally he came over to ring up a thing of soda and he couldn’t get it because he thought the bar code was on the bottom but it was on the side. So I said, “You’re right, you do suck at this.” And laughed and then told him where the code was and he got it. Then he walked to the end of the register and I asked him if he wanted to ring up the other sodas but he told me no, I told him that they would be easier to ring up but he still refused. He told me that someone needed to bag the order, I told him I would, but I guess it wasn’t the real reason. Also we all had to wear lays because it was Hawaiian Saturday or something like that. I was the only girl with about 6 guys, all wearing lays. It was fantastic. My Hawaiian dream come true.
One of my old teachers came in too, I told her how I am working at the school and she said that she had been thinking about me the other day and about working in the schools in the county. And now I am an employee of the county so she said she would talk to her husband and get back to me. So that should be interesting to see if any thing opens up that way. It really is all about who you know isn’t it?

Chapter 62

In the System

So I have been working my second job at the school, while of course still working at the grocery store and a strange thing has occurred. I have gained a renewed joy in working at the grocery store. Weird isn’t it? But having a “real” job, or so far the closest to a real job that I have had so far, has proven to me so much more how much I don’t want to grow up. I was thinking about Poof Daddy and how he is probably the closest one to my age and he is still working at the store and what makes the two of us so different? Of course then common sense reentered my mind and I remembered that he hasn’t started college yet and I have a degree and he is still three years younger than me and I’m just pathetically working my high school job. But I like the job; with the exception of my two managers (Gus-Gus and the other I will call Jaq…a little brighter than Gus-Gus but still a mouse). Jaq is a man whore, and I’m not saying this only because I don’t like him, but because he can’t stop himself from touching women, from talking to them, from staring at them. To just let you know, Gus-Gus is also a man-whore. These two are those creepy 30-something year old bachelor’s that you wouldn’t want to be alone in a dark parking lot…actually you just wouldn’t want to be alone with them, ever. Jaq and Gus-Gus are both incompetent in what their jobs require them to do, but Jaq has more responsibility to screw up with. He has one of the most important responsibilities that there is. He does the schedule. And yes, he screws it up. For example: this past Saturday he had almost everyone scheduled to work…we don’t need everyone, we have so many employees so that people can have days off, and take vacations, work different hours of availability, we do not have them so that all of them can come in on a Saturday and stand around. At one point I put myself back from the situation, really I was slacking hanging out at the sampling table eating cookies and joking around with Maps, but I looked at the front end and the customers were vastly out numbered by possibly 10 to 15 employees. The first thing Jaq said when he came is was, “Who wants to be put first on the ‘go home early’ list?” I told him not me because for some freaking reason I only have 16 hours next week and considering that I am supporting myself now and have to pay for things like food and gasoline, I need the money. He asked almost everyone, most of us are working for money, not just because we want to be at a grocery store on a Saturday morning. I almost told him that if he didn’t want to have too many employees then maybe he should work on how he schedules everyone.

Then we had four new people. So not only was everyone working that day, but we had four new people who wouldn’t be given the option to go home early because they needed to get used to working I guess. To add to this Jaq was supposed to give these four newbies a tour of the store; he pulled me off register and had me give them a tour. Have I already mentioned that this manager is the one who had me run the front end about a week ago because he didn’t feel like being up front? He even has me take the schedule to the break room telling me that I am the only one he can trust to do that. What is everyone else going to do with it? Change people’s schedules? Not deliver the goods? Just walk to the break room and put it up, how can people really screw that up? So I had to give the tour…I have never done that before. It was pretty lame, and I’m sure I forgot to tell them a bunch of stuff, but the important stuff got covered. I showed them where the break room was, the mop room, I told them that they would learn the store so we didn’t bother walking up and down the aisles. The best part was when I took them to the bakery and introduced them to the lady I most enjoy working with back there and then we gave them all a cookie. I took them back up front and let them bag and I went back to Maps and her sample table and told her about the tour. During the tour Baby Face came over to say goodbye, he had given in to Jaq’s request for people to go home and so two and half hours after coming in he was leaving. Then the inspector was the next to go. I was bummed because Baby Face and The Inspector are so much fun to work with and they were the first two to go. I had to wait for Poof Daddy and The Warrior to get to work to alleviate my disappointment.

Oh…wasn’t I complaining about something? Oh yeah, so Jaq lets people leave and then we get busy and need them there but no one is there because he has let them go! So Saturday we got slammed at about 2:30 and both Baby Face and The Inspector were supposed to be there until 3. I couldn’t help but get upset at Jaq because of his stupidity we were all working much harder than we should have. I was ringing up orders and bagging them and baggers were coming in barely in time to even take out the orders that the cashiers were bagging. It was just frustrating to me. I ended up staying a little bit after work to help out my fellow employees because they needed more people there. I will give Jaq something though, because of how angry I get at him I work faster to release the tension.

Did I mention that the day started well? I kept trying to get Baby Face to ring up some groceries but he wouldn’t do it. He said that he had thought once about being a cashier but that’s as far as it went. He thought about it one time, then nothing. Finally he came over to ring up a thing of soda and he couldn’t get it because he thought the bar code was on the bottom but it was on the side. So I said, “You’re right, you do suck at this.” And laughed and then told him where the code was and he got it. Then he walked to the end of the register and I asked him if he wanted to ring up the other sodas but he told me no, I told him that they would be easier to ring up but he still refused. He told me that someone needed to bag the order, I told him I would, but I guess it wasn’t the real reason. Also we all had to wear lays because it was Hawaiian Saturday or something like that. I was the only girl with about 6 guys, all wearing lays. It was fantastic. My Hawaiian dream come true.

One of my old teachers came in too, I told her how I am working at the school and she said that she had been thinking about me the other day and about working in the schools in the county. And now I am an employee of the county so she said she would talk to her husband and get back to me. So that should be interesting to see if any thing opens up that way. It really is all about who you know isn’t it?

Chapter 61
Being Peed On

So Puppy Love e-mailed me. I guess when I mentioned the age thing he got confused. Sweet Pea was right, she had told me not to mention too much because then he would read into it. He did. In his message he said he was confused and asked that if he was 18 would I date him? The kid is taking chances again, and while I admired it originally, enough is enough. He was just clearing his bases I guess. So I started to e-mail him back. I was thinking of explaining why I said the whole age thing, but then I decided not to because of what Sweet Pea said. So I finally just said that what I meant was that I don’t feel the same way, I only see him as a friend. Then he e-mailed me back, but luckily all it said was, “Oh I get it now” thank goodness because if he read into anymore I would give up and treat him like I have other people like this in the past (ignore them, or start a fight with them). Boy did he luck out.
Meanwhile, I just had a complaint that I thought I would interject here. I don’t like how girls have to tell each other secrets. When a girl likes a boy she just wants to tell someone, I guess it is just burning inside of her and if she doesn’t get it out she’ll be consumed. My roommate likes the Researcher. She told me last night while I was watching them play Mario Carts. I was cheering for the Researcher because he is my new friend and also because him and his friend were the underdog (always cheer for the underdog). I told my roommate that this is why I was cheering for his team. She said she was cheering for them because she had a thing for one of them. Turns out it is the Researcher. I can see why, he’s really cute, and he’s funny, and well, he gets along with people right away (not many people can get me to joke around so quickly). He’s short, so this is my way of saying that I’m not a threat to her. But he wasn’t that short…it doesn’t matter anyway now because she has peed on him. Wait a second, maybe I should fill you in on my train of thought with that last statement. Dogs…marking their territory, she didn’t really pee on him. Wow I hope that makes sense. But I was just thinking about it, because this is what always happens. A girl mentions who she likes, and he is no longer available to anyone who knows she likes him. That would make any girl who knew about it a back stabbing slut faced ho-bag. So now I probably will never talk to him again, because instinctively I tend to ignore the guys that my friends like, to protect myself from liking him too. I know what it is like to be backstabbed, and I didn’t like it much. It just figures though, I finally meet a cool guy here in Virginia and he has been marked. And the thing I hate about girl world is that I don’t ever pee on guys, I’m one of the few who likes to kept my secrets to myself or just share with some friends who may not even know the guy. But even then, my list of people who know is usually limited to one or two. I don’t just share it with any girl, or any roommate for that matter.
I am just left with one question: Why do people have to tell me secrets that complicate my life?